My Journal Today

This is my first journal entry, I wanted to start journaling because I realized that I am holding a lot of my emotions in and not truly processing them. Lets start with this summer, it started off great, I was kinda dating the girl of my dreams her name is Nya. I had liked her for who knows how long and we had been talking for at least a while. I asked her out a week or so before summer started. We went to lunch and talked a lot and I loved it. Everything was going so great, we went on a double date and I thought we were a really good match. Fast forward a couple weeks its now Tuesday 6/23/26 we had morning practice together then we went to her house and watched part of A New Hope on my phone while laying in her bed. I had to leave the room a couple times because my mom was calling me, my mom didn't really like her but she was happy because I was happy.  After that she had to go to a dermatologist appointment so I hugged her and gave her a kiss and left. Later that day after afternoon practice I had a scout meeting, during the middle of the meeting I looked at my phone and saw that I had got a chat from her on snapchat, I opened it and saw it was a whole paragraph, I read the first line and it was something along the likes of I think we should just be friends. My heart fell and that was all that I could think of for the rest of the meeting. After the meeting I read the whole thing and it was a really kind message that basically just said that she just wanted to be friends but she really valued me as a friend and she didn't want our friendship to change. That whole night I just sat in my bed and thought what could have caused it, I wasn't sad, I was just shocked. Looking back on it I think that I just didn't know how to be sad anymore, this past year 4 of my friends have died along with my grandma and my childhood dog. I still like her a lot. But now that your caught up lets go back to today. This morning I woke up at 6am ish for morning practice I got to the pool for 6:45 dryland around 6:35, I was the first one there so i sat for a couple minutes until Jacob Dasha and Andrew, three of the people I would consider my good friends all walked in together and just walked right past me talking to each other like i wasnt even there, then we started stretching, we also checked our AP scores at the begining of dryland, I got a 4 and a 3 Nya got a 5 and Andrew got a 4. During dryland there were 4 different stations, Andrew and Jacob and others started with Station 1, and I started with station 2 just because i didn't want to give them the chance to ignore me anymore. Its not like they are purposfully being mean, its just Andrew really wants to be best friends with Jacob and Jacob is always talking to Nya or some other girl, not in a romantic way but in his siblingy way. Its just Nya always seems to be flirting with Jacob, and I have always seen him as one of my best friends and he reciprocates it even though he has a girlfriend. Anyways I continue doing dryland until there is a partner excercise and I don't have a partner so Andrew and Jacob invite me to be a trio then I continue doing dryland with them until we have to get in the pool. The set today was pretty long, and the whole time I was swimming next to Nya in the other lane, and she was talking to Jacob the whole time, Andrew talked to me a lot like he always does. But I couldn't stop thinking about Nya. For context Jacob has always been faster than me at swimming because he is a year older than me. But whenever I think of Nya during practice It all goes into rage or frustration and I end up yelling in the water and going really fast, which i guess is an upside. After practice I went home and had breakfast then took my dog out on a walk. During my walk I kept texting Nya which I know i shouldn't but I just really like talking to her even if we are not dating, and I think she does too because she texts back and still shows intrest in the conversation. I think thats all that I can write right now