Im a "F 29" "M30" 10yr realtionship.

Partners search history has absolutely shocked me to the core on an account i didnt know about.

Kept it to myself for weeks.

My boyfriend and i have been together for over a decade its just us no kids. We are late 20s and 30 and meet when we were young i was 17 he was 19. It was somewhat long distance for the first couple of years. I was absolutely in love with this person he was my first everything we used to be so loved up i suppose and we seen eacother every weekend or every 2 weeks. Constantly in touch every day video calls ect as young people do. Fast forward to a couple of years in and we moved in together. It has not been an easy ride it had its ups and downs and i suppose alot of mistakes were made on both sides arguments and what not over the ten years mainly it was me addressing something like lack of time lack of care lack of a date or future plan ( i wanted marrige and kids ) he just kept saying soon soon ect .

There has been No infidelity on my part in anyway but there was somewhat on his ( the full extent ) I'll never really know. I chose to forgive and move on. Healing took alot of time as did building trust again. I did everything possible i could think of including seeing a therapist. However some of his behaviours never changed. Hes always protective of his phone , lies alot , gaslights alot and never sees an issue with his behaviour or action he just sees an issue with my reaction and when it doesnt go his way he leaves or threatens to. I can say over the years i have lost myself , my looks , my confidence. I have never got much off him compliment wise or attention without literally begging for one. Mean while he has absolutely spoken very highly non stop about all these other women in his life , friends co workers and even pointed out attractive women to his friend making remarks as i stood there. It crushed me for a while. I always felt maybe i wasnt enough. Id see all this and then to add to it id see his history , his algorithms all full of women in the gym not my body type. Im thin and always have been depsite my best efforts to try gain weight which to be honest was because of how he made me feel which was so unattractive. I know im not because i get compliments and attention from other men and i do shut them down instantly so i don't think im ugly.

Fast forward again to 6 weeks ago unfortunately i snooped as i have before and indeed i got myself somewhat hurt again. I deceided to really know the depth of his secrtes. I found in the first two years together while living apart he would actively almost daily serach web cam chats web cam girls , escorts local to his area .. male and female and in my opinion some very weird adult content that had me thinking all sorts ... this threw me entierly. I never ever would have expected that , adult content sure people are people but the topics of it no way the escorts and all that just shocked me and the male to male part absolutely made my jaw hit the floor. In those searches he would also search normal everyday things to do with relationships and send them to me cute photos and what not but also looking these things up hours before or after. Its like he has this whole secret life in his phone that i didnt know about because it was on another account i didnt see. The searchs for escorts ect seemed to stop on that account after we moved in together but the adult content didnt for years. It actually replaced our intamcy almost entierly.

I have been sitting with this for weeks with all sorts of questions. I have not said a word to anyone about it not even to him. I dont even know how to or if I want to. I must say I never snoop untill I genuinely feel somethings off and ive always been right. His behaviours tells me its like he withdraws from me for weeks and thats how I know.

I feel like the whole relationship was just built on secrets and a fake person. I have forgiven a good few things and ive always asked him be truthful even if it hurts. Now im wondering did he meet these escorts ? We're they male to so is he bi maybe was it curiosity? What if he is bi or soemthing and ive just forced him to admit it. I dont want to out someone. One search two maybe 3 I could see as curiosity but repetitive? He was even looking for these kinds of interactions the day after we got together. The day after his birthday the day after mine. The day I introduced him to my parents. To me its cheating its not just adult content hes watched its chatting and wanting to meet people and that crosses a line.

Hes used the my account was hacked before excuse ect but this absolutely no way was it hacked. My minds in over drive. He also browsed in incognito mode alot the past couple of years ...

Tldr ; Found my boyfriends alternate account and the search history absolutely floored me.