Married women please tell me I'm not the only one?

Hello. 38F here. Been married for 20 years. I love my husband. He is the absolute best, most amazing man. He's super supportive in whatever I do, he's an amazing provider, a wonderful father and he treats me like a queen. I am spoiled. Our sex life however, is....lacking? I don't know how to put it I really don't and I feel so completely terrible even posting this.

My husband is the golden retriever type. He's just so nice and sweet, doesn't have a mean bone in his body and that's honestly really awesome, but a few years ago I discovered some of my kinks. I like to be dominated. My husband is NOT the dominating type at all so I've kinda had to train him how to do it. He still isn't very good, even after all these years. He tries his best, he really does but....he's just not for that lifestyle. There's also the issue with his size....according to Google the average size of the penis is between 5 to 6 inches. My husband is 4.5 inches and absolutely no girth. I can't get off when we have sex, so I took to using a dildo, with a bit more length and girth, and I get off instantly with that. Like, it's truly amazing how fast I can orgasm.

My problem is I go thru these phases where I get sooooo turned on, my husband and I have sex, and then he gets me off by rubbing my clit. But....its not enough! I feel unsatisfied and then the next day I'm even more turned on. So I've taken to watching porn and getting myself off with the dildo. This is while he's at work because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But sometimes I can't help but picture his friends, or other people I kinda know, and wonder what it would be like with a different guy. It makes me sad, because I don't want to feel that way. I want to be completely loyal to my husband, even in my thoughts. Am I a horrible person?

Please only women answer, no creepy dudes, and no DM's please. Thanks!