I lost my way

Hi, I'm Krzysztof, 22M, been few years since I graduated high school as Trader, I was never really interested in it as much as I was interested in one girl who I was in class with, school went by, didn't really make any friends there, as a person who struggles mentally and socially, I basically remain alone now aside from my family, I have 2 brothers and 2 half brothers I saw maybe like twice in my life, I have a dad who is like not interested in mine or brothers' lives and mom who is only person I currently live with, I think she means well, but she doesn't really believe in mental health, telling me to drop my psychiatrist and medication I take for over 2 years now, I consider myself quite an unlucky guy, awkward with girls, some even used me for laughs and self confidence boost, had 1 max 1,5 of relationships in my life, both met on internet, one was really cute girl I vibed with, we both were inexperienced and were each other's first ever boyfriend/girlfriend, she struggled with mental health too, the relationship was kinda messy, she was at law school so she didn't had much time for me, it was a long distance relationship I was willing to make work, since it was Germany-Poland which are basically next to each other, I couldn't find any job despite many attempts, eventually she left and came back months later, I was worried since I couldn't contact her, when she came back, she blocked me with no explanation, I spent last over 2 years wondering what happened and trying to find out if she's okay, the other "relationship" was even stranger, I met the girl on snapchat, we talked, turned out she was Onlyfans creator, I was fine with it, since we talked a lot and she seemed cool and I spent 20$ total on her, not much, livable loss of money, but eventually, I stumbled upon many, mamy sources, that she is scamming people and she might not even be a real person, I confronted her and she denied everything and when I presented proof and statements, she still denied it, no apology, no confession, just denial and eventual showcase of how she was truly only about money and all the things we talked about were nothing to her, I lost hope I will ever meet someone I can feel loved and safe with, I don't feel loved by anyone in my family except my 2 brothers, so it just hurts when I think I will finally be loved by someone, that there's something in me someone else could love me for, job doesn't go better, constant rejections, left on read, few jobs I had ended within like 3 and half months total and 1 year long internship, basically all of these end up with some sort of abuse/mobbing toward me, because I am not really like a masculine guy and I have panic attacks and am awkward, which led to me being easy target who just could never defend himself, each work just putting a punch on my psyche, whenever I reported the mobbing, I would get let go off very soon after, leaving me with no work or money to move out and live on my own, making me feel like a burden most of the time, the conventional work like factory production or mcdonalds never really worked out for me, as a creative person, each of these felt like a chain around neck choking me and making me too exhausted to do my creative things like drawing, Lego building, YouTube channel, I have dreams of making living of my creative endeavors, YouTube, maybe voice acting which I love but I fear speaking to microphone and have no place to record without neighbours or kids being so loud I am basically just a background noise on any line I record, all of that stuff and just constant logs thrown at me, really put me in a place where I think my dreams, dreams I call 3P standing for Peace, Partner and Purpose, feel like impossible task, I truly have lost my way and currently at a job I have for over a month, I still feel unsure, awkward, alone, confused, overwhelmed, loud machine noises, very long distance from home, not fitting the rest of the squad, I feel so out of place in there, wishing I would stay at home and wrap in quilt and just sit or lay without thinking about a thing in a world, just staring at a wall or screen, I thought it would pass after some time, but it takes me way way longer than usually, usually it took me lile a week maybe to get used to a job, but now, with over a month I still feel like I shouldn't be here, like it's too much for me, every job, every potential girlfriend, all just overwhelms me, lately I even started to notice extreme mood swings like I am going from happy to insane to sad to hopeful to happy to hopeful to sad and just switching between emotions like crazy, I aspire big but I just can't even comprehend the simplest things like having a job or having like one friend I could hang out with and grab a beer or whatever people do with friends irl, I am so lost and I been like this for like a month and had to just break through it cause my Psychiatrist was on day off and returns next week so I couldn't even tell him about my psyche going all around the spectrum of emotions, currently I have this dream that I decided on like 3 weeks ago, I make tiny tiny steps toward it and it's only thing I truly believe in myself about, but chances of success are incredibly low and it will most likely end up hurting me again, but this dream is basically most interesting thing going on in my life currently, I truly have no idea what to do or how to live or anything about my current life situation aside from getting punched and punched by life till maybe something eventually clicks into place, but at 22 I already went through inhuman amounts of pain