BP “the inability to reconcile”

Our time together summed up in those 4 words.

I don’t know if my (ex) husband realizes what just happened. I don’t think he has truly grasped what he just allowed to happen.

I have no reason to fight for you, or us anymore. So i do not have to make excuses and tip toe around your childish emotions, anymore.

I know I’m not perfect and i never fucking claimed to be, but i know my heart and i can honestly say I’ve spent the last however many years doing every possible thing i could to fix our connection.

But you, you mocked me for trying to help you. You mocked me for feeling the pain that you put on me. I’m fact. You blatantly tried to make me hurt so bad that I wanted to do something I couldn’t take back. And then mocked me for that too.

Yeah I had a drinking problem when we met. Yes I was bad with money. But I hope you fucking realize I was only doing what you fucking asked me to do. To be the stupid fucking person I was that allowed that kind of nonsense into my life.

Do you not find it peculiar that you couldn’t give the magistrate the reason we were divorcing? I had to come up with that line myself because honestly I don’t even fucking know why we aren’t together, other than you made me want to kill me.

And then you didn’t even have the fucking balls to actually participate in 1 single conversation as I was spiraling out in turmoil and grief.

I know you’re hurting too, and baby… I don’t like seeing you hurt. I really fucking don’t. But all of this is on you this time.

You spewed so much negativity and false narrative about me, and us. That you’ve dug yourself into a hole that you can’t get out of without having to tell everyone that you’re the biggest fucking liar and con artist in this area of the state.

I know this because your closest friends are the ones that told me what you were saying.

You have surrounded yourself with people that feed your ego and feed into your bullshit, but you didn’t realize that the husband that was desperately fighting for you, fought those friends for you and defended YOUR actions by gently letting them know you were in pain too and didn’t know how to handle your emotions like a fucking 47 year old man should. I also shut down the rumors about you that were brought to me.

Not once did I ever look at your socials. Not once did I try to appear where you were. Not once did I ever inquire about your business..

Your friends sold you out and you have hundreds of texts of me forgiving you.

I will say though, part of your game did work. You’ve officially broken me. I’m crazy. I’m spastic. And now with my new mental diagnosis, I have to deal with that as well as I try to build an entire fucking life on my own, that you were supposed to be a part of.

And babe, the execution of draining me of all finances and the ability to even buy myself food because I spend my money on dog food, and fuel for my car so I can get to the beach in a DAILY desperate attempt to not have a panic attack.

You know what you did concerning all that. You know how you set me up. And then used my own struggles as justification to paint me in a bad light to my own friends and support system.

Well it’s out now. I’ve heard some rumors about a few things. Doesn’t matter if they’re true or not because the loose truth that they are based off of, proves that you were actually trying to get me to rid this planet of my existence. You wanted out. And you couldn’t just be honest because of your own ego.

But what you font know is that the first time you tried that shit, id already moved all of the beneficiary info back to the girl with the hot husband.

You don’t get to destroy me, and then financially benefit for torturing the person that actually did love you and all of your flaws.

Poo poo head you honestly have not grasped how fucking much I love you.

But now it’s done. For YOUR inability to reconcile.

Fucking bitch. I wish you would have been the one to punch me yesterday just so I could beat some fucking sense into your stubborn fucking brain.

I’m about to get fired because I have lost the inability to work. I’m about to have to file for bankruptcy because I can’t pay off enough credit card debt to even qualify for a consolidation loan.

You’ll read this and mock me to your band of demons that you keep in your back pocket that I use to stroke your defiant and narcissistic ego.

I’ll come back from this. I will excel. I’m already the best version of myself now thanks to you. And dude it suck’s so fucking bad that you cut yourself off from this me.

I’m crazy. I’m depressed. But I am honest. I love with a pure heart and soul with no desire for anyone to be anything other than exactly who they are.

I know you have your ideas of how you felt used.. but you set up our situation and I was just following suit to please you, you fucking idiot.

One thing you weren’t expecting was for me to be able to reach so deep into my own mind, unpack my own childhood analyze it, see how it played a part in how I conducted myself for the last 37 years and correct the behavior that led me to someone like you. I do hope you hate yourself for that enough to correct your own behavior and be the fucking man that was there, but you just wouldn’t let him out.

Coward.

I am so embarrassed by how I let myself be manipulated by someone with the emotional depth of a fucking flea.

Also.. since you happen to be way more blind than I am.. your parents dude.. everything that you despise about them is everything that you are.

I noticed that about myself too. This is why I don’t speak to them anymore as of last weekend. Not until they can accept their gay son and leave enough room for the real me to sit at their table.

I hope you actually pay attention that part and chew on that long enough that you digest it and fucking understand it.

lol im having a panic attack as i write this. And you will sit there and pretend to not fucking care because you hate to be vulnerable that fucking bad.

If you ever grow a fucking pair, reach out if you’re brave enough to have a conversation.

I do mean it when I say that I’m fucking man enough, to love you enough, to still want to see you succeed and be happy.

I considered deleting our text threat but I can’t even bring myself to do that yet.

Fucking asshole.