Unrequited love feels like living in delusion

Highly confident nobody I know will find this, but if they do, I just need to vent to someone that hasn’t heard this 3 billion times. I’m sure everyone I know is tired of hearing from me.
I have a friend group for 15+ years, we’re all really close and I’ve hung out with all of them alone outside the group, except for this one dude. He was in a relationship for around 7 years with a girl, never intended to marry her or anything and she didn’t like us, so she never hung out with us.
While I do take full responsibility for my actions, I can’t say that I really even knew they were still together at the time everything started, because he never talked about her, and it was never sex, just like everything else…
They broke up maybe 3/4 years ago now, she did it horribly, she was already pregnant and engaged, she got married two weeks after breaking up with him and had a baby 1 month later. Between the time we started messing around and the time they broke up, this dude was out of our friendship for several years, we didn’t speak or see each other, not even his BEST friend. When they finally did break up, he came back to us, he was very apologetic and we all were just happy to be able to see and hang out with him again. That’s when we started messing around again and when I really started getting delusional.
The first time anything happened, it was because he paid last minute for a concert ticket for me because our whole friend group was going except me. Everyone was saying we should date etc, just off that one interaction and I think that’s where it really started. The time we all as a group stopped talking happened and then when we saw each other again, we picked up where we left off.
I will say, whenever it goes far- it’s when we’re drunk- he’s super shy and that’s when he feels the most confident to talk to me it seems like. So we’ll get drunk and disappear with each other, or if we stay together at a friend’s house we’ll be up talking to each other or doing stuff. We’ll hang back and kiss in secret or cuddle in the dark, but there’s even been times where he’s told me to kiss him in front of our friends- but I don’t think anyone saw it, that’s how fast it was. If we’re not drinking and we’re just out, he’s able to keep his distance better, but we’ll keep our eyes on each other, passing a smile..
We’re both shy and I can’t speak for him, but I know I am pretty insecure. I have a certain limit to my confidence, I can have a good time, but I can’t get the annoying voice in the back of my head out “what are they thinking” and it ruins the time I’m having.
There was a time he told me (drunk) that he’s attracted to me even when he’s sober, and wanted to take me out. He also asked me if he invited me to his house ( he lives with his family) would I come over. I mentioned it to him later when he was sober and even said he didn’t have to feel pressured to do something just because of what he said when he was drunk and he said he didn’t feel pressured and that he really wanted to…Well time passed, we never went out, and I maybe too harshly confronted him about everything we were doing in general, I brought up how we started (when he was still dating that girl) and I said it was wrong to do that and to never do that again, then I doubled down and went SUPER crazy and said how I thought he’d be an amazing husband, and how I would do anything for him, etc…looking back on it today it was lowkey crazy af and I think I sounded crazy. He basically said he was sorry and didn’t mean for me to “misinterpret anything” and how he’d never do it again and how he’s learning to be a better person, and whoever I end up with would be very lucky…odd.
Fast forward, it’s been awhile and we see each other at another party, I go to the bathroom and he follows me in- why did I let him in? Don’t ask me. We talk for a minute and he starts kissing me while I’m ON THE TOILET. I leave and I must have told someone and it blew up into a whole thing, they separated us and were like grilling us on dating each other. I think that’s what ruined it, because another time we got together he said he “didn’t like that everyone knows what we’re doing” so that was my fault. We talked here and there after that, still saw our friends together, he stopped being as affectionate, but still looking. Our whole friend group was telling me in private how “he’s just too shy or scared or messed up from what happened” I think that really fed my delusion.
Our most recent encounter has had me messed up… this past New Years we went to a party where a personal friend of mine (who knew the most about our situation, but not part of that group specifically ) blew up at him and called him a bad friend,etc. it was super awkward and he might have cried, I don’t fully remember, but he was super upset and I apologized to him.
We spoke casually and saw each other in passing, until a trip we just went on last week. We drank, cuddled, I really wanted to kiss him. One day I told him (jokingly, but not really) that we could save water and take a shower together and he said “ I would, but the paparazzi are gonna say something”. Later in the week we were just chit chatting and it got to dating and we’re describing legit ourselves to one another and talking about what we need/want and I didn’t, but I really wanted to ask “why aren’t WE dating if we’re exactly what we’re looking for”. He also said I should meet his parents.
So now, I have deduced it all to - he’s probably just embarrassed to be seen with me, that’s all I can think of? Context- he’s a few inches shorter than me, and while he’s gained weight since I’ve known him, I’ve been big my whole life (PCOS) I don’t judge anyone for that, especially not him, and ironically we both go to the same gym. I’m kind of casually flirting over text, but he’s not really going for that. I understand not wanting everyone to know about what we’re doing, especially when they’ve cornered him to try to get him to date me (which I never told them to do) but what I don’t get is why can’t you just approach me sober and get this all over with and sorted? I LOVE this man, bad. I’m not even giving as many details as I could because I know this is long as fuck. I just wish that all of that hadn’t gone down the way it has. But I also wish our friends hadn’t opened their mouths, any of them. I feel like if I had one more chance I wouldn’t say anything- that’s why I’m on Reddit right now anonymously and not texting 5 people all at once. I need to get it off my chest. All I do is think about him now and it’s ruining my mood/mental health. I don’t see him often, and I think after the blow up I wanted to forget and disappear, so when I saw him this time, it always reminds me that I love him. I’m seeing him tomorrow with our friend group and go home and it’ll be like nothing ever happened and I HATE ITTTTT.