My Core

Dammit, is there really nothing else I can do at this point?
He’s a ball of light. His heart is made of gold, and he finally found something that works. I know him. On their first date, he probably pulled out all the stops. Maybe a movie, his favorite brewery, or a day with his friends. He truly loves her. I can picture that smile I loved so much, the one I miss every day. He loves her, these are the best moments of his life. They share mutual friends. He’s happy now.

I should have taken his hopes more seriously. Moving in together. Making more time for him. I wish I’d been born female. I wish I’d lived less than twenty miles away. I don’t want to lose the memory of his loving arms because I know he’ll never love me that way again. He can’t, or he simply doesn’t want to.

What started as a chance encounter became a chain of beautiful coincidences. We never spent a single Christmas together, and that was what I wanted most. I dreamed of taking him to the Christmas lights downtown, convincing my parents to let me spend Halloween at his condo. This year, those memories will belong to someone else.

Her love may already run deeper than what he once felt for me. I remember how they first met. She’s more mature, more attractive, more attentive, and established in ways I never was. Everything I lacked, everything he had been searching for, she has. I imagine this recent holiday his heart finally felt at peace, holding her close, sharing a kiss, simply existing together watching fireworks.

He needed someone. It didn’t have to be me. If she doesn’t already know Tame Impala, he’ll be excited to share that part of himself. Even his political views. I was stubborn and rarely admitted when he had a point, but I always knew he wanted what he believed was best for me. I cherished that.
What am I even doing? I took this entire week off with the false confidence that I’d fly out and see him. How would that be fair to him? I already know what he’d say.

“You’re not well, buddy. You need help, and that’s not me.”

“You need to go home lil bro.”

He’s more mature than I am. He knows how to let go.
I love you Brody. You were so many firsts in my life. My first drive on the freeway to see someone I loved. The first person who made me feel cherished through a gift. My first love. I never wanted any of this to end. Hell, I even started reaching out through proxy shippers for original porco rosso animated frames.

I wanted to take you to the aquarium like I planned back in February. Every year they have a Fourth of July event with penguins and exotic fish. You would’ve spent the whole day telling me facts I would’ve sworn couldn’t be true, probably something you picked up from a podcast.

I wish the circumstances had been different. I wish I could have told you all of this myself. Better yet, I wish I’d simply done all the things I kept promising we’d do.
Instead, I’m talking to the void.

I was always too shy. So shy, in fact, that I ended up pushing you away. The simplest things were all I ever wanted, yet I avoided them. Holding your hand at the mall. Stealing a kiss in the car. I even dreamed about going to Pride with you.

None of it will happen now. Your new relationship has already found its footing. This is the honeymoon phase, when everything feels exciting and effortless. I wouldn’t want to take that away from you because, deep down, I know you wouldn’t want that either.

There isn’t much I wouldn’t have given for you. Part of me has even considered sending you these thoughts, everything I never found the courage to say. But I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to you.

Your dad is going to love her. Your mom and sister will enjoy having her around at family gatherings. I can’t imagine you walking away from something like that.
For what it’s worth, my mom was excited to finally meet you. She’s the sentimental type. She wanted to thank you for being someone so important to me. She was shocked when I broke down crying because I realized you weren’t coming back. I’m still crying now.

Words can’t express how deeply I loved you, or how deeply I still do. I’ve apologized more times than I can count, but you’ve made your decision. Whether it came from your heart or from reason, one thing I always admired about you was that when you gave someone your word, you stood by it. You promised this girl everything.

I don’t have any choice left but to accept it. I know you want what’s best for me too, which is almost ironic because the thing I want most is you. Quite the conundrum I’ll admit.

I’d pay almost any price to have you back.

If you’re ever feeling lost, scared, or simply stuck in life, I’d still be there for you without hesitation. But I know you won’t come to me. Your circle is full of people who love you, and you have a wonderful girlfriend by your side. You don’t need me anymore.

In the end, I really was just a dumb wuppy wasn’t I lol