i'm tired of feeling small and insignificant

and it's not even because i don't have friends or anything like that. no, i don't have any issues in that regard. others like me as a person, and i like them. i'm not lonely. the issue is, people constantly look down on me as an artist. it's not something i can pinpoint, either - i just notice that subtle shift when they switch from talking to someone actually good to talking to me. i don't feel like anyone treats me seriously in anything i do. i will always be a mediocre artist, writer, cosplayer, and there's nothing i can do. no amount of improvement will ever make me good enough to acknowledge. it's not a shitty friends problem, either - i get treated the same way in online spaces, irl communities, you name it. i don't even know where should i go to stop being treated as a child/beginner. i'm an adult and i've been doing what i do for years, i don't want pity or empty meaningless numbers. i want someone to treat me as an equal, i want real human connection. and i only get looked down on, if acknowledged at all

i know i'm not actually saying much by all that but this is so subtle. it's a million little things that mean nothing out of context but once you receive them over and over again you notice the pattern. all that is the reason i've deleted most of my art-related social media accounts or never created them in the first place, and it's the reason why i start to hate anything i make after i've shared it with someone. just how much do i need to go through for someone to actually be interested in my work? how long do i need to scream into the void before someone notices? i'd rather receive hate than another condescending comment that reads in a tone someone would use when talking to a kid/pet. i dunno i'm just so tired i want to create and share my work without it ruining my mood and destroying my self worth