My wife feels like I do not care about her health and well-being.

I (32M) have been married to my wife (31F) for 5 years now. This has been an on-going issue where she will say I dont care about her well-being or do not put effort in. Early on, I definitely did see how my "relaxed" attitude caused more mental load and worked to think and plan more, but it seems like its never enough.

Recently, my wife has been struggling at work and has also been struggling to get a full 8 hours of sleep. I have said I would take the initiative to make us go to bed exactly on time as she often is on her phone past the time we need to sleep.

I have put music on the phone to relax her and have installed AC to cool the room because she can't sleep when its too hot. Last night, she asked me to scratch her back and while instructing me on where to itch, I had trouble making out her words due to the noise of the music and AC in the background.

I told her I know shes getting sleepy, but asked her if she could speak a bit louder because of the extra noise and she told me I was causing her immense stress and I dont care about her well-being. If I did care, I'd be able to hear everything.

She stated me asking her to speak louder was me putting excess stress on her body and that, if I cared, I would make sure I did whatever I could to not have her do that.

I mentioned in the past to cool the room prior to sleeping, and then I could have the AC turned off while we are getting cozy and then turn it back on after saying Good Night, so that I ld properly hear her. She said thats unacceptable and if scratching her back was too difficult to just stop and not bother, that I couldn't even put the bare minimum to figure it out.

Situations like this have happened in the past and, it makes me overwhelmed thinking that my efforts wont be enough. When I have tried to be more authoritive, telling her that she needs to do X or Y thing, when I know its the right thing for her or it will help, she tells me Im being controlling and not giving her freedom. When I sit back and think that she's an Adult and she can choose the best thing for herself, she tells me Im too passive and I dont care.

Im not a Saint by any means - Ive had lots to work on. For example, my wife is always telling me how to speak in public, to family, friends etc. Because I am unaware how my words or lack of words can be perceived. Ive also had to step up my cleaning and cooking game to be more on par with her level. That's just a few examples.

She appreciates me sometimes, on certain days, but she doesn't feel loved. I know maybe these can be perceived as "small things", but they are not for her.

I feel like I do a lot, and I know there are areas I can improve, but I become dejected hearing these things and I truly yearn to find a balance. Sometimes I feel at a loss on how to help.

Someone please give a stern wake-up call if I am doing this all wrong.