Days 9–15 of 30 – halfway there

Today marks the halfway point of my 30-day Joe Dispenza meditation challenge.

When I started the Generating series, I thought each meditation would give me a new emotional experience. Instead, the biggest changes didn't come from any single meditation. They came from noticing the patterns that kept showing up.

The first thing I noticed is that meditation itself is becoming more familiar.

My mind still wanders, and some days it happens a lot. But I'm finding it easier to come back to the meditation. My body settles more quickly now, and I spend less time trying to get into meditation and more time just being present.

One thing surprised me this week.

These 15-minute meditations leave me wanting more.

At first, I thought shorter meditations would be easier. But I found that just as I started to settle in, they ended. By Day 15, I chose a longer morning meditation on purpose because I wanted more time with myself.

This week, I noticed that my mind doesn't just wander. It also tries hard to stay in control.

It wants certainty.

It wants to interpret conversations.

It wants to predict outcomes.

During one meditation, when Joe said, "Become nothing," I realised I couldn't feel the familiar tightness behind the left side of my sternum where I usually notice anxiety.

There was just peace.

Then, almost immediately, I caught myself searching for the anxiety.

It was a strange experience. My mind seemed to search for what was familiar, as if feeling calm was less comfortable than the anxiety I was used to.

Outside of meditation, I've been asking myself different questions too.

For a long time, I put my past relationships and even the people on a pedestal. I assumed they had better lives, more freedom, more happiness, more abundance.

Then I stopped and asked myself, Do I actually want their lives?

I didnt.

What I admire isn't someone else's life. I admire perceived freedom, perceived financial ease, perceived meaningful relationships, and the chance to travel, create, and live in perceived peace.

Those are very different things.

There were also small moments this week that meant more than they probably would have a few months ago.

After I prayed for healing in my family, my sister messaged me out of the blue to ask for my sourdough recipe. It might seem like a small thing, but it reminded me that connection doesn't always come through big moments. Sometimes it starts with something as simple as sharing bread.

By Day 15, a lyric kept playing in my mind during meditation:

"Right here, I found myself again."

I CRIED!

I saw myself as someone who was very anxious, stuck in the past, and always hoping things outside of me would change. I needed control and to know for sure that everything was going the way I needed it to.

Fifteen days later, my life hasn't transformed overnight.

After my breakup, one of my biggest fears was that I would just find another person to lean on. I didn't want to keep looking outside myself for peace. I wanted to learn how to feel at home with myself.

Little by little, that's happening.

I'm becoming more discerning.

I'm trusting myself more.

I'm surrendering more.

Sometimes I still ask myself whether I truly value myself.

Then life gives me a choice, and I respond in a way that the old me never would have. I choose me.

I still have a long way to go.

My mind still wanders. Some meditations are harder than others. I'm nowhere near having a "perfect" meditation.

This is now about staying committed to myself, not who I am becoming.

That's been the biggest transformation of these first 15 days.

There are still 15 days left in this challenge, and I already know I won't be stopping at Day 30.

I'm genuinely curious to see who I become if I keep showing up.