Just posting this here cause she doesn’t want it and I can’t have it stay within me

My dearest

I'm writing you this as a way to honor you and the time I spent with you. My dearest, I don't want to spend a lot of the letter being sad over the end of our union. We both are in an extremely hard and heartbreaking situation, and this is not going to be easy for either of us. I promise that I will walk with you through this pain and be by your side through the good and the bad moments of your life.

My dearest, I want to thank you for giving me the best three months of my entire existence. You have saved my life in every way a man can be saved. I became a pile of flesh and bones moving around before I met you, and I thought at first that I was only happy because I was being seen. But I came to realize that I am only experiencing what life is for the first time in my life by the power of your love. Your love and care have allowed me to see that I am not what I believed about myself all my life and that I am worthy of love. How can I not be when a woman like you has seen me in all of me, understood me better than I understand myself, loved me, and cared for me?

My dearest, every moment I have spent with you—how you called me Sir Duncan the Tall when we first started talking, every laugh, every smile, every time a joke flew past my head, every touch, every hug—I will carry with me as long as I hold my breath. You have become a part of me, and I will always honor you as best as I can.

My dearest, I won't pretend this ended for no reason, even if I don't want to dwell on it here. We were two people carrying too much weight at once, in a moment where neither of us had the room left to hold the other the way we needed to be held. I'm not writing this to relitigate it or to put it on either of us alone. I just don't want you to think I'm writing you a love letter and looking away from why we're not together. I see it. I just choose to also see everything else that was true.

My dearest, I swear to you on my life, I swear to God, that I tried my best to be better to understand you better, to know how you want to be loved, to understand your struggles, to understand your pain. I swear all I wanted was to make life a little easier for you, to give you some breathing room. I wasn't the best I could be when we met, and I was dragging myself out of hell to be the man you deserve. I swear I wish I did better by you.

My dearest, you mean the world to me. I swear I always saw how your jaws tighten when you are holding yourself together, especially when we talk about something sad. I always felt how tight your body is when we first met. I always saw how tired you are and how you drift off into your head. And I swear I always wanted to bring you joy and peace make it louder than the voices in your head.

My dearest, I hoped I could be the man who makes you proud. You have been so gracious, patient, loving, and caring for me that I have never in my life felt seen the way you saw me. I wanted to honor you and make the weight of existence lighter for you. I swear I was just so zapped out of life that I tried my best. I don't know what position I hold in your life today, but a label doesn't matter as much as I value you.

I know that we are not together anymore, but I really want you to know that you have been the best thing that has ever happened to me and will ever happen to me in all my life. Your name, your memory, your soul is a part of me, and I will carry you with me every day, with a heart full of love and reverence. I love you today as much as I loved you the first day we were together. The same way, I will love you at eighty years old. You have been grace that found a way to the deepest part of my soul and stayed there, and will never leave.