I've reached dead end.

I was 11 when my father died from liver cirrhosis. He was an alcoholic and abusive. Some of my earliest memories are of him hitting my mother and me.

When he died, I didn't feel anything. Maybe I was too young to understand death, or maybe I simply didn't have enough good memories of him to grieve the way people expected.

After his death, my mother raised me on her own. Over the years, I watched her faint unexpectedly and take handfuls of medicines every day. I didn't understand it then, but when I grew older, I realized they were antidepressants. She was carrying wounds I was too young to see.

We lived in a joint family, and it was a toxic environment filled with domestic violence and constant conflict. When I was 18, my grandfather died, and things only got worse. The violence reached a point where my mother had no choice but to leave. We moved into a rented room and tried to start over.

She later filed a partition suit because the property was ancestral, but while that battle continued, life dealt us another blow.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It eventually spread to her lungs, and when I was 23, she died.

Within a month of losing her, I saw the true faces of people I thought I could trust. Some relatives from my mother's side abandoned me. Friends I believed would stand by me disappeared. A few even took advantage of my grief and cheated me out of money when I was at my most vulnerable.

I fell into depression. It took me years just to survive it. I tried to end my life twice. Today, I don't want to die anymore, but living still feels incredibly hard. It feels like I'm stuck somewhere in between not really living, not really gone. Just existing in a kind of limbo.

Because of everything that happened, I was never able to build a stable career. I've survived by taking random gigs whenever I could find them. But for the past couple of months, even those have stopped coming. I haven't been able to pay my room rent from may.

And today my landlord asked me to vacate. I am sitting here in local market trying to figure out what i am going to do now.

I feel like a failure and it feels like dead end.