Just a stream of consciousness I guess, miscarriage first trimester

not sure what im looking for in posting this but need somewhere to get my thoughts out. it is long so thank you to anyone who reads it all.

2 weeks ago had an early scan for reassurance and ended up instead with anxiety and disconnection from my pregnancy when they saw a yolk sac but no fetal pole at almost 7w but measuring 6w1d due to sac size. didn’t track ovulation strictly but knew I can’t have been younger than 6w4d at that point, so it was looking a bit suspicious but there was still some hope. had my repeat ultrasound yesterday at 9w, sac has grown but yolk sac no longer seen, only thing they saw was a sort of round kind of blob that measured 1.5mm. they said maybe remnants of yolk sac. I just wanted them to say maybe it’s the fetal pole. just any sign that there was a baby in there. sac measured 8w. told I still need another scan next week as in some cases they do still see progression to viable pregnancy but i know they’re just strictly sticking to guidelines and probably waiting for a certain measurement before they can call it, I know I’m losing the pregnancy.

i have had no spotting. no cramps. still feel fatigued which I guess makes sense with all the hormones. Breast tenderness kind of stopped a week ago but did come back briefly after my internal scan yesterday, maybe it caused hormones to surge or something. I don’t have any other pregnancy symptoms except the occasional twang which I think is round ligament pain, and some queasiness / reduced appetite.

to top it off, the dad of baby and I have a fractured relationship. he’s also very upset and was excited and happy when he found out but at this point don’t even know if we will stay together and try again. I’m over 35 and have no living child. I was mostly ok with our relationship going the way it was the last few weeks because I at least had my baby. we already agreed before getting pregnant that if things ever didn’t work out between us, we would co parent and not be toxic. I know he really wanted to be a dad. don’t know if I’ll realistically ever meet someone else now and have another chance. meeting someone new and dating - I can’t be bothered. i’d had my fair share of heartbreak in relationships before meeting my partner and I just haven’t got it in me to get out there and meet a new man when my experiences so far have been an absolute waste of my time and energy. i don’t say this flippantly, but they’re all extremely disappointing and unappealing to me at this point. disclaimer: I know good men do exist.

the day before my first scan, I’d gone to catholic mass for the first time in a while as I just had this feeling in me that I had to. to my surprise, the priest dedicated the homily to parents who have lost a child, with more time in the talk dedicated to those who lost a child in the womb. it feels like it was God’s way of comforting me and sort of preparing me for what was to come. I take some comfort in this already, but I’m so sad right now and the sadness overrides everything. I know in time i will reflect back to this though and it will give me strength (and maybe any of you reading).

yesterday I was angry at my partner and lashed out at him. There’s a few things in our history that make this layered and harder for me and he acknowledges that, but it doesn’t stop me from getting angry at him. he also doesn’t seem that affected by it but is known to bottle up his feelings and says he’s trying to be there for me, but it just makes me angrier at him. im unable to smile since my scan yesterday. I cried all day that my eyes were swollen and I couldn’t even keep them open properly by the evening. I am unable to escape my thoughts. He’s managed a few smiles, tried to talk to me about shit i don‘t care about to apparently try take my mind off - if you really do care how about for once you understand me and what I need? why would you think I’d be interested in hearing about video games when i just found out we aren’t having a baby? the one thing that would make this easier would be knowing that I’ve got a great relationship and man with me and that we can try again and hope for the best, I don’t even have that.

im sad, anxious, angry, lost, and whatever the emotion is when you feel like this was your last chance. I don’t even know what to do with myself now. I wish I was one of those women that was really neutral about having kids or actively didn’t want them. I envy these women. how easier my life would be without the strong overbearing instinct I have to have children.

im sad for all of us that are going through or have gone through this, it’s rough.