Tobias, and the Many Layers of How I Relate to His Story

So, there is no separating Animorphs from my move from childhood to adulthood. It was my favorite piece of media in middle school (the most turbulent part of my life) and I was the same age as the main characters. There are few, in fact, maybe no other, forms of media that have affected me more than the Animorphs.

But in particular, there is Tobias. There are so many moments in Tobias's story that I relate to him and who he is, but lets start with the more surface level first :

1. He is bullied. I was bullied. He latches onto Jake. I had a friend in middle school I latched onto (and very much I feel like he saved me from my fate [probably suicide]).

2. He is feminine, and seeks to look tough/hard to avoid admitting his softer underside. He goes farther and farther into this persona to cover the true softness inside.

3. His best friend is another outsider. All my close friends have been like that, outside the box, outside normality. Notice that I would read Tobias as very progressive, while Ax is quite conservative, I think this even plays into my own story, as I was always quite progressive and often had close conservative friends (who my friendship with helped them...to change to being more open minded and progressive).

4. He is depressed through much of the books. I was depressed in middle school. I was depressed in high school. After a nice period of time not being depressed, now in my 40s, I'm once again depressed.

So, let's go a step deeper. Let's talk Tobias a trans allegory. Because ...welp, I'm nonbinary, and Tobias's identity struggle with being a hawk or a human very much mirrors my own struggle with indentity. The way he seeks to protect himself with the hawk persona also specifically mirrors how I sought to protect myself by being "tough", "angry", or even violent in response to bullying. (I eventually would react so extremely crazy, that it made bullies afraid to mess with me, despite them being bigger/stronger than me). So adding this layer :

5. Tobias struggles with identity and who he is, so did I.

6. Tobias feels like he is a blend of two things (hawk and human), while as I feel I'm a blend of two genders (male and female).

7. Tobias's role while dating Rachel is very much the role I take. I like women, I present male, but I very much like strong women, and I am the more passive partner (who often ends up protected by these tough/strong women).

Finally, and this is the saddest one, a quote.

"I hadn't realized till that moment how much this hope had meant to me. A home. A family.

<Not for you Tobias, you idiot! You fool! I hate you! I hate you! I want you to die!>

I couldn't fly. I landed hard and lay there in the dirt. I just kept saying it, over and over in my head. < I hate you, Tobias. I hate you. I want you to die.>"

I have never related to any character as much as to this moment in book 23. I hate myself. I still do. Although I've covered it in years of therapy. But the one thing that always gives me hope is....I know Tobias shouldn't hate himself. I know he deserves love. I know he deserves good things like everyone else. If only, someday, I will see myself that way too.

Sorry if this was too dark. Have a nice day all of you.