I don’t have a room in my house.

Hey I’m 21F, severe depression and anxiety since I was 10, suspected AuDHD (autism/ADHD) and suicidal ideation.

I’ve realised recently that I’ve never had a bedroom that was actually mine.

My cupboard, desk, piano, art supplies and most of my belongings are in one room, but for as long as I can remember I haven’t actually been able to consistently live in that room. Throughout childhood and adolescence I was regularly moved between rooms depending on what other family members wanted or needed.

I studied abroad for three years for university. When I came back, ‘my’ room had been renovated a bit. I was able to stay there for around five months, although even during that time there were periods where I had to sleep elsewhere because other people wanted to use it.

I don’t sleep there anymore.
For context, there are three bedrooms in the house with air conditioning. I live in an extremely hot country so it’s imperative to have especially in the summer.

One is occupied by my aunt. One is what was supposed to be ‘my room’, but my father now sleeps there.

I sleep in my parents’ bedroom with my mother.
My father spends most of his day upstairs where I am because he only uses the bathroom attached to this room for some reason. My cupboard, desk, piano and belongings remain downstairs in the room he sleeps in, I don’t go in there except to get some clothes from my cupboard. I just keep my journal with me in the room I am upstairs and a drawing book and some coloured pencils as well as some books.

The reason this happened is because my father wanted that bedroom since it had been done up. He always wants whatever looks the best in that moment. The room had been renovated since my coming home from Uni for me to have a better space. But he’s an emotionally verbally and physically abusive alcoholic narcissist and has always been this way. My mom is a lot like him, just minus the alcoholic part. Though they hate each other too. lol. She’s quite a pick me and I think wants validation from him still because she’s the sole earner in the family and it’s not like she doesn’t have the means to leave him. She always has. She’s just a cowardly, male centred woman and not a good mother.

My mother had been sleeping there too until recently, but after he became drunk and tried to hit her, she stopped sleeping in that room. He says he sleeps there because our elderly dog can’t climb the stairs and likes sleeping with him. The confusing part is that he regularly sends the dog upstairs anyway, so that explanation doesn’t really make sense to me. He’s just a prick and wants the room to himself.

This isn’t really about the room itself anymore. It’s that I don’t feel like I’ve ever had a space in this house that was genuinely mine. My needs have always seemed secondary to everyone else’s. I’ve been expected to move around depending on what other people wanted, and it has made me realise I don’t actually have anywhere in the house where I can close a door and simply exist.

Also the upstairs room, where I am, has always had issues with the plumbing, and air conditioning. As I said where I come from it’s extremely hot and air conditioning is imperative. Now for the last 3 weeks, for some reason water has been leaking from the AC and soaking the walls and floors, so much so that it’s dripping down to the lower floor through the ceiling. Which means I can’t use the AC, and there’s going to be electric/plumbing work done in this room. Which means, yes, that I have to move yet again. And I’ll be moving to a non air con room. Mind you, there’s 8 bedrooms overall. 2 rooms for my grandparents (1 each, since they are both serious patients and need to be close to individual bathrooms. i don’t expect them to move at all), 1 for my aunt, 1 for my parents. Which leaves 4 other rooms. I’m the only one moving though.

Im the scapegoat child and everyone in my family are emotionally immature narcissistic abuser. Everyone hates me.

Am I overreacting?