I resent my mother, even as she recovers from surgery.

Her second big surgery in 2 years. I know I sound like a petty pathetic piece of shit. Leave that at the door, I know. Don't talk to me about therapy...please, that's a long story in itself.

She's responsible for me not being able to get EVERY procedure I need to mediate my gastroparesis, MS, etc...even small procedures I can no longer get, as local anesthetic tends to make me just tired enough to not be able to drive.

It hurts to eat, impossible to sleep, mg bones feel constantly near breaking. It's terrible.

Picking up prescriptions tends to be near impossible, I have 2 jobs, too sick when I'm finally off, and despite using with family, they're all always too busy to help me get them, and are never home to accept delivery (my pharmacy requires someone sign for them)

Rideshares are expensive, dangerous in my experience, insurance doesn't cover medical transport, I have no friends, no family to help.

Every time she's slightly ill, apart from the surgeries, my family, namely my father, drops everything to help her. Never me, even if I simply need dropped off somewhere. I could always walk around for a few hours till it's more convenient for them to pick me up, or walk home.

She's the reason i was SA'd and never believed after when I was 16. She'd butt in when I'd talk to anyone, scream at me that I was overreacting , then forcibly change the subject.

She's the reason I was forced into a (now closed due to illegal activity) asylum and had my brain rotted with medications at too damn high (800mg of lithium) of a starting dose

She's the reason I'm a hoarder, she'd throw away everything of mine growing up, toys, drawings, even homework (obvious stuff like science projects mostly) it even progressed to throwing away my tampons, pads, many other hygiene products, and clothes after I was assaulted. It hard to let go of anything now. I have no sense of what I ACTUALLY have.

She's the reason socially I got stunted and had trouble with my first jobs in college. Wasn't allowed to talk to other kids in middle school (got bullied, and she thought being silent would solve it, even to my then, friends) wasn't allowed to do ANY (Even free art volunteer stuff at school) extracurricular stuff, couldn't be in a relationship, and...more

She's the reason i blew my vocal cords out scream crying weekly since kindergarten.

Now she's in bed recovering from lung surgery, 3 weeks ago, and I'm probably going to be letting my first random tinder match take me to the hospital and do lord knows what when I get discharged and they take me home. Cause I can't rely on my family. No friends, no coworkers who can do it, no money, nothing.

I can't afford to move out, especially with doing all the medical stuff on my own. I'm stuck.

I should feel bad for her, I increasingly can't.