I’m sick of looking at myself

I’m 21 and have been dealing with depression since I was 15 and I really cannot look myself in the mirror without feeling sick, I hate myself so much and feel so alone, I’ve tried out therapy and been prescribed antidepressants but none of it worked, I think they didn’t work because I don’t think I even want to be helped, I wish I could tell someone how I’m feeling instead of coming here but no matter what I do I literally cannot get the words out so I don’t even try anymore, I feel like I’m going insane trying the same shit over and over again thinking things will be different, I just wish someone could give me advice on how to be different.