I don't know what else to do anymore

I've been in therapy and on medication for about 2 years. I've been abandoned by every single person I've ever loved to the point I genuinely am incapable of feeling love towards anyone anymore. I tried lithium. the mental hospital. I am undergoing electro convulsive therapy, 6 sessions in, and it actually made me worse. I cant take it anymore and I don't know what else to do. I am tired of oscillating between being fine and wanting to blow my brains out. I am tired of being alive in a body and mind and world that isn't mine. I'm