lifting weights lowkey ruined my life as a girl

it’s been 3 years of this cycle of cutting weight and then developing binge ed and even purging, life feels so miserable, i’m already turning 20 & it’s only getting worse. it sucks eating out with my friends and watching them being able to stop when they are full but being full only triggers the binging even more. i can’t even enjoy lifting weights because im fixated on how my shoulders aren’t capped enough or how my lower belly won’t go away lol how do you even learn to maintain weight or eat normally without being in a cut? if i try i just binge ☹️ i can’t do it anymore whats wrong with me nothing is working at all