21yo MtF, 6 months on HRT. Blocked by a sense of emptiness and comparing myself to others. How do I start living?

​Hi everyon*, using a throwaway because my main account has pictures of my face and I want to stay anonymous.

​I'm 21, a trans girl, and I've been on HRT for 6 months. I’m writing this because I’m exhausted and desperately need some advice from people who have been through this.

​My adolescence basically didn’t exist. It was complete hell due to dysphoria, severe depression, isolation, and eating disorders (ED). To make it worse, I went to a mechanical vocational high school full of toxic masculinity where I was severely bullied. I dropped out in my second year just to survive. For years, the only people I saw were incompetent doctors who told me I was "too young" to talk about dysphoria. They finally listened when I turned 18, but since I live in Italy, between the gatekeeping public healthcare system and a therapist who dragged things out forever, it took me another two years just to get a diagnosis.

​Now I’m 6 months into HRT and emotionally it’s a complete wrecking ball. My dysphoria is through the roof, the loneliness is destroying me, and I’ve relapsed into my ED.

​This whole fucked up past has created a massive block for me today. I see people my age who grew up normally, traveling, having friend groups and relationships since they were 16. It makes me feel sick. I feel like I have zero life experiences to talk about, which makes me think I'm not worth it.

​Modestamente speaking, I get a ton of matches on dating apps, but I can't capitalize on it. I just freeze and ghost guys after talking for hours because I think: "This guy has a normal life, what could he possibly see in me? I’m a trans girl with zero experience, depression, and emptiness to offer. People look for someone who adds something to their life, not someone who drags them down."

​My romantic and sexual life is at a flat zero. I want to have experiences, but the anxiety of my age and my insecurities paralyze me. I want to live and stop waiting, but I'm terrified this block will last forever.

​Is there anyon* else in this sub who started HRT around their twenties and felt this exact total emptiness? How did you manage to unblock yourselves and feel like you actually deserve attention without worrying about depressing others? I fucking need normalcy so bad.

​Thank you to anyone who can share some advice, I desperately need it 😞🫰