Been almost 2 years and still struggling

It’s been almost 2 years no contact and I still think about my ex. A month after breaking up with me, he tried to reconnect but at that point I had already moved away. I knew if I stayed in that city, I would’ve gone back to him. I told him no when he reached out which was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. That crushed me.

He replaced me almost immediately after. I still think about him and wonder what if I stayed. The good moments were amazing and he was so kind, empathetic and sensitive. With those qualities also came lying, gaslighting, substance use, a chronic need for sex, and an intensity that I’ve never felt before in my life. I feel so stupid about not moving on yet. I sometimes wonder if I ever will.