How to live with existential crisis while Audhd?

I have been diagnosed with ADHD for about 6 years now but after reading about AUDHD, I had some inkling of 'Wait, I fit a lot of these criteria', but the thing is that I live in a country (Greece) that doesn't have a lot of options for getting diagnosed with both, and add to this the stigma surrounding ADHD and autism and my own personal doubts of 'Am I just trying to be a victim? Maybe I am just looking for excuses?'.

I am in a constant battle with my brain and after some traumatic events, I have... How can I put it... Ah yeah, I have stopped living because I am afraid of life. Nothing excites me anymore, everything has become a pattern I can read immediately, especially the bad patterns and the consequences of taking the 'bad' choice.

I am afraid of my own self and what I have become. A no good person, lazy, selfish, unable to think beyond the guilt, the insecurities and stopped seeing the goodness of my own being.

Is it Audhd I wonder? Or I have discovered what a good for nothing person I am?

I am lost. I feel like a burden to my own family. I am unemployed, I have no money and I am afraid. Afraid I won't be able to protect myself.

Has anyone else felt this way? Or knows a way to get out of this headspace?

Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language.