The loneliest place I ever lived was beside you

You know what still confuses me?

It wasn't the cheating, because there wasn't any.

It wasn't the abuse people usually talk about.

It was the loneliness of being in a relationship with someone who made me feel invisible.

I keep wondering if you ever realized what it was like living with you.

How every night I'd think about what to cook, buy the groceries, prep everything, cook dinner, set the table, wash the dishes, and clean the kitchen while you got up after eating and left your plate where it was because you knew I'd eventually pick it up.

How you'd leave empty bags of chips on the table even though the trash can was only a few steps away.

How your dirty clothes somehow never made it to the hamper unless I picked them up.

How I had to ask for help every single time. And if I didn't ask, you didn't think to offer.

You once called me a leech because I spent one weekend resting instead of doing chores.

A leech.

I still think about that sometimes.

I don't think you ever understood how much that hurt, especially after everything I had been doing for us.

Do you remember that morning when my PC was still on?

I explained that it was programmed to shut down at 6 a.m. because of a game reset.

Somehow that turned into you reminding me that you paid the electricity bill, accusing me of raising my voice, and telling me to go back to my parents' house.

I replay that conversation in my head sometimes, wondering if there was something I could have said differently.

But the older I get, the more I realize it was never about the computer.

It never really was.

And then there was us.

Or maybe there wasn't an "us."

I remember giving everything I had to make you feel loved while wondering why I never felt desired by you.

I remember the day you pulled out your phone while I was going down on you.

I remember crying at the corner of the bed because I felt humiliated.

I remember waiting for you to ask what was wrong.

You never did.

That was the moment something inside me quietly broke.

The saddest part is that I stayed.

Not for weeks.

Not for months.

For years.

Because I kept waiting for the guy I met online to come back.

The one who stayed up talking to me until sunrise.

The one who asked questions about everything.

The one who made me laugh so hard my cheeks hurt.

I kept thinking, "Maybe he'll be like that again."

He never was.

For the longest time, I thought maybe I wasn't asking for much because you paid most of the bills.

Maybe I was supposed to make up for that by doing everything else.

Maybe I really was expecting too much.

I know now that I wasn't.

I wasn't asking for grand gestures.

I was asking for partnership.

Today, I'm with someone who is also my best friend.

We've been together for almost two years.

And loving him has made me realize just how lonely I was with you.

He notices when I'm tired.

He helps without me asking.

He listens when I speak.

He thanks me for the little things.

He makes me feel like we're on the same team.

It turns out love was never supposed to feel like earning your place in someone else's life.

I used to wonder why I wasn't enough for you.

Now I wonder why I ever believed I wasn't enough for myself.

I don't hate you anymore.

I just wish I had left sooner.

I don't miss you either.

If anything, I'm grateful.

Because loving someone else showed me that I was never asking for too much.

I was just asking the wrong person.