Idk why i keep putting it off.

I’ve had ideations since i was 11 . i’m 30 now and wish i would have gone through with it. Nothing has “gotten better”. I really feel like everyone i know would be happier if i died. i’ve had multiple family members tel one i’m a burden. My ex that me and him promised each other to never commit suicide is now with the girl he told me not to worry about. I feel like he wouldn’t even care if i did. So why am i still here when the reason i kept waking up the last 5 years is because it would hurt him if i didn’t.