The fracture (2/3).

Hey there... here is the second chapter of three.
Okay, okay... first things first.
CW: This chapter touches on very sensitive topics such as trauma and poor coping mechanisms. I recommend you don't read it if you are experiencing any symptoms of depression.

However, if you still insist on reading and at any point you feel a connection to it, you should see a psychologist urgently; mental health is also important.

And one more thing, I'm not a psychologist or have any training in that area, so don't expect it to be the closest thing to reality.

anyway...

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Memory transcription.

Subject: Lonele, junior exterminator of Venlil Prime.

Date [standardized human time]: January 15, 2135.

After that patrol, I could barely sleep. I would close my eyes for a while, but I always ended up waking up with a start before realizing I had actually managed to fall asleep. The same thing happened the next paw... and the one after that... and the next.

I didn't understand what was happening to me.

The only thing I was sure of was that the silence had become unbearable. It was a strange feeling, a constant anxiety that crept in whenever everything was calm.

Without realizing it, I started leaving the television on at night. Sometimes I didn't even pay attention to what was broadcasting; I just needed to hear something. Anything was better than the silence.

The strange thing was that the chirping of birds still startled me. They used to be comforting, but now, every time one broke the silence, my heart skipped a beat without me being able to understand why.

Eating also became difficult. It didn't matter what I cooked or how hard I tried to finish my plate. Everything tasted the same.

Everything tasted like ash.

As the paws went by, I started looking worse and worse. I had dark circles under my eyes, I barely ate, and I hardly spoke to anyone anymore. In the end, they forced me to take six full paws of rest to recover.

But staying home didn't help either.

Every time I tried to walk into the kitchen, my body would just stop on its own. Reaching my arm toward the electric stove switch was enough to make both arms feel unbearably heavy, and I never managed to turn it on.

And now here I was, standing in front of the mirror. My fur was completely neglected. It had been so long since I groomed it that I couldn't even remember the last time I did it. Even so, I couldn't bring myself to start.

"Come on Lonele... today is the day, today your six paws of rest are over and you have to make an effort to look at least presentable." I told myself as I forced myself to look into my own eyes.

Another thing I had noticed during those days was that I avoided making eye contact with myself in the mirror. Whenever our eyes met by accident, I looked away almost immediately. I didn't understand why I did that. I simply... couldn't hold the gaze.

After a poor attempt at grooming, I began putting on my exterminator officer uniform.

And while trying to find my house keys, I accidentally tripped over one of the several trash bags piling up in my living room.

I'll pick them up later... yeah, later.

Walking through the crowded city streets on my way to work, I could occasionally feel that someone was watching me, but I didn't pay it much mind as I continued moving slowly down the streets.

"Daddy, why is the exterminator dragging her tail?" a pup asked.

His father gently tugged on one of his ears to keep him walking... neither of them looked back at me.

Lifting my head weakly, I saw my tail dragging on the ground, covered in dirt and grime. Did I really not have the energy for that either?

When I got to work, things didn't go very well either; I spent most of the day staring into space instead of doing paperwork.

The rest of the day remained mostly a blur, as if it were some kind of dream.

Memory transcription.

Subject: Lonele, junior exterminator of Venlil Prime.

Date [standardized human time]: January 29, 2135.

Things hadn't changed much; in fact, they had gotten worse.

Now I couldn't stop thinking about the Venlil who patrolled with us that paw.

I overheard a conversation between the guild leader and another exterminator. He said he felt sorry for they, that they were the sole stable provider for a family with children, and ever since they were medically cleared, they had begged more than once to be allowed back to work.

And since then, guilt had been a constant presence in my life.

Since my arrival, a rumor had started spreading about me, but because I cared so little, I didn't even bother looking into it.

Conversations stopped whenever I entered a room. Some colleagues changed the subject when they saw me approaching. Others simply lowered their voices. I never found out what they were saying.

During all that time, I stayed under Ke'tal's wing. He never let me patrol alone and, unlike many others, never started avoiding me. He always found an excuse to talk to me or ask how I was feeling, even if he rarely managed to get more than an ear flick out of me.

At least some things became more bearable; the horrible taste of ash in all my meals didn't bother me as much anymore, and the bird songs didn't frighten me like before.

Other than that, my life seemed to have come to a standstill. The paws kept passing by, but I remained in the exact same place.

Until one day, during a patrol in HomeTown, I noticed something strange about Ke'tal.

I couldn't explain what it was. At first glance, he was the same as always, but there was something different in his eyes.

"Hey, kid... Do you think you'll have some time after work?" he asked casually, letting out a long yawn.

He had asked me this before, and my answer had always been the same: 'Not this paw, I'm not in the mood...' but something in his gaze, perhaps a flicker of pleading, made me change my mind at the last moment.

"I think... I think so." My own voice sounded strange to me. I couldn't remember speaking to anyone since I had arrived that morning.

"Great, after work we'll head to your house together in my vehicle." He sighed, somewhat relieved.

After that, I could only lower my head as I remembered the pitiful state of my house.

The ride home was silent, even quieter than usual, and that was bad, because silence only meant trouble.

"Well, here we are... your house." Ke'tal broke the silence, as if he were oblivious to the strange tension that had formed between us.

Upon entering my house, Ke'tal put on a look of genuine concern.

I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to talk to me just to distance himself from me after seeing this.

"I... I can explai—" I pathetically tried to defend myself, but before I could say anything, he replied.

"There's no need, I understand... partially.

Listen, I know what you saw in the forest was terrible and I get it; you Venlils have something special that the rest of the Federation simply doesn't have; you are very empathetic, I'd say too much so for your own good.

I don't know exactly what is going through your head right now, but you have to listen to me; I can't just keep doing this anymore, I've done everything to protect you all this time, but I can't anymore." His voice finally lost its cheerful tone, now showing a tired and defeated pitch, yet with a slight glimmer of faith.

Ke'tal knelt before me and looked at me with completely exhausted eyes.

"I've stretched and damaged my reputation as much as I possibly could to protect you, but the guild keeps pushing harder and harder every day and I'm not sure how much longer I can ask for more time.

They... they suspect you're suffering from undiagnosed PD, that participating in that patrol awakened it. But they ignore the fact that I was there, that I also saw what you saw.

They're more concerned with defending their image than actually caring for their workers...

I know you feel bad about what we did that day, but remember we do it for the good of the herd.

...

You have no idea about all the shit I've lived through all these years, leaving aside the things the Federation says about predators.

On more than one occasion I've arrived at a home too late, only to find that all that remained were predators and the remains of what used to be a family.

I've seen families desperately search for people who are no longer there. Do you have any idea what it feels like to tell someone that their wife, husband, or children are nothing more than the leftovers of predation?

Venlils are special people within the Federation, you have an empathetic capacity that no other species can match, and that is not a bad thing.

But that empathy can also turn against you... if you give it to someone who would never have it for you...

So, please, let me help you help yourself."

And between the two of us, a silence formed... not an awkward one, it was, in fact, the most comfortable silence I had experienced in a long time.

Receiving words of encouragement from the person I admired the most was perhaps the only thing I needed.

"Well then, will you let me help you with this?" he said with a hopeful tone.

I simply responded with an affirmative ear flick. We spent the next two claws cleaning up my messy place. While we cleaned up the whole place, I didn't realize when it was that I started talking.

I simply realized that I was telling him about everything I had lived through, how I had lost my whole family in the middle of an Arxur raid, and that my last memory of them was being scared, hiding inside a trash can while my father desperately tried to distract them.

I was never able to look at what happened next. I only heard their screams.

"Hey kid... it's over, you don't have to cry about that now, you're here because of them, right? If your father did that for you, it was to give you the chance to keep on living. Not for you to stop doing it." He dropped the trash bag he held in his hands to wipe away a tear of mine.

"I-I know... i-it's just that, that mission made me remember that event and I simply can't stop thinking about it.

No matter how hard I try... every time I close my eyes, I see that predator trying to protect its young all over again.

My life has fallen apart since then. Now, everything tastes like those ugly ashes, or how I can't stop feeling guilty about our partner.

How silences overwhelm me, how bird songs terrify me... flames... even the ones on the stove, make my arms feel too heavy; how I am simply unable to look in the mirror.

Because every time I look in the mirror... I can no longer recognize who is looking back at me. I can only think about that NightStalker.

I-I simply don't know what's wrong with me." I said, finally breaking down as I leaned against the kitchen counter in tears.

And then... a silence, a short silence that felt eternal.

Ke'tal's face was thoughtful; he had remained completely still as he focused his gaze on something.

He seemed to be searching for an answer... and not finding one.

"I... I don't know if the method I used in the past will work for you, but if you say the problem is that you can't stop thinking about them... What if you stop fighting them? Let them pass. Don't chase them, don't give them more space than they already occupy.

Every time they show up, just remember why we do it." He trilled while making a cheerful gesture with his feather crest.

"And what if they don't go away?" I asked tentatively.

"Hmm... oh, I know! If you see those thoughts taking up too much of your mind, you could repeat a mantra in your head... something like 'They destroy. I protect.' How about that?" He trilled in response as he slung a bag over his shoulder.

I could only give him a hopeful look in return.

He was the great Ke'tal, the man loved by the people, the man who always protected those in need... my idol.

And he always knows what to do...

Memory transcription.

Subject: Lonele, junior exterminator of Venlil Prime.

Date [standardized human time]: August 18, 2136.

He was the great Ke'tal, the one who always knew what to do. So... what went wrong?

At first, everything was going wonderfully; every time those thoughts occurred, I followed his steps, exactly as he instructed me...

But as the herds of paws went by, the sensations only got worse and it was like a snowball that became harder and harder to stop...

I was simply doing something wrong; Ke'tal is never wrong, that's why I admire him... He is not the problem, I am.

I couldn't afford the luxury of letting suspicions fall on me again, because not only would I be letting down my biggest idol, but I would also be damaging his reputation.

I had to pretend...

To protect him...

To protect myself...

Over time, I forgot how to stop pretending...

I had to act like the usual Lonele. Do the things that Lonele always does...

As time went by... I stopped feeling like I was the one doing things, I no longer felt the voice was mine, that my body was mine, nothing felt mine... As if a predator had dressed up as Lonele and pretended to be her perfectly.

It had learned to move my body better than I could. It had swallowed me whole... In the few moments of lucidity I had, I tried many times to take back control, but when that didn't work, I tried to destroy it from the outside; because it was the only way I found to stop it from continuing to live in my body.

But that predator was always stronger and stopped me... and so the days passed, day after day... after day...

And so came the revelation of Humans, the second intelligent predatory species in the galactic spiral...

But still, I didn't give it much importance. Because Lonele had to keep doing Lonele's things.

"Ugh... those damn predators, not satisfied with trying to brainwash the poor Venlil people, now they want to start eating us under the excuse of an 'exchange program.'

Bah, they are nothing more than pure predatory lies." Ke'tal growled as he drove the patrol vehicle.

"Yes, they are terrible." My mouth moved.

"You know Lonele, I know I theoretically shouldn't tell you this, but... as my partner, I trust you enough to reveal it to you.

You see, our guild and several others are planning a joint espionage mission in this supposed exchange to reveal the true nature of those beasts.

It's just that there aren't many people trustworthy enough to be assigned to such a high-level task, but since you have proven yourself to be a very capable person all this time, I've been thinking about proposing you as a candidate. What do you say, kid?" Ke'tal dropped his voice to a whisper, as if fearing someone else might hear.

"Don't worry, I believe I can handle that, I'm not your right wing for nothing." The predator moved my snout.

"I knew I could trust you." He trilled with pride.