DDSA and the pattern of assaults after

I just need to get this out. It's just one of those days. Going to be a big jumble of horrible events, I'm sorry

From 5-11 I was molested and raped by my abusive father. He was also emotionally/mentally/physically abusive. I found out later that he was raping my mother too. I really loved him, I worried for him all the time. He also practiced emotional incest with me and I was kind of a therapist for him. I hated him and loved him at the same time. He was an addict. I just wanted to take care of him. He used to joke that I would make a good wife for him and it made me feel proud. It's so disgusting.

From 12-23 he kept sexually abusing me but didn't rape me anymore, because he almost got caught, and it scared him off from the big stuff. But he kept abusing me in other ways, and did molest me more than once when he got the chance, and took bad pictures of me, and had me totally brainwashed. I have DID and the person who would always be out when we were around him was the young girl version of me. She struggles to this day, I have finally gone NC with him but she wants to call him and cry to him and say sorry for leaving and curl up in his lap and have her daddy again. She misses him whenever she doesn't hate him. I don't blame her but it makes me so angry.

From 11 onward I went online and let old men groom me and manipulate me and get me to take pictures for them. I just wanted a daddy I wanted someoneto care about me like my dad did. Because that was what I thought a dad's love was. I was groomed in real life, too, at 14, by a few different people, men and women. Then at 15 I started dating an older guy who ended up getting me hooked on drugs and sex trafficking me to some people he was friends with. He raped me too. I didn't even care. I would consent to sex the night after a rape would happen. I would just let him. Even if he had JUST forced me to do things that made me cry and scream. I wanted him to pay attention to me and give me love so I let him and his friends do whatever they wanted. They talked about pimping me out. I still don't know if they did while I was high or passed out. I have no idea.

I got pregnant in that relationship and they beat it out of me. I still don't know who's it was because at that time multiple people were using me and I don't think that they really liked bothering to use condoms. I was on birth control but I would forget to take it because of all of the drugs.

After I left my mom's boyfriend tried to fuck me before they broke up and then my dad started spending more time with me when I was around 19. Everyone saying oh he was an addict but hes better now just try to get along. I still hadn't told anyone about the molestation and rape. We spent more time together. He would hold my waist and hold me from behind and take pictures of me from behind. Talk about how sexy I was now that I was all grown up. Talk about how he missed when my mom used to look like that. After a while he had an injury that left him on painkillers and needing physical therapy. I was tasked with doing that for him alone. I did because I wanted to be good. He would grope me and praise me and talk to me like I was still a little girl. I would et really high after every session and cry myself raw. And then forget. And then do it again because I'm good and then he would do it again. I feel like a dead person. I don't feel real.

I've been used all my life. Just a thing to use.

It's been a couple years now since anyone has touched me badly and I went NC with my dad vut mentally I'm still stuck there. In those places. Being used. I finally told a couple people about my dad. One of them had him over for christmas anyway. My life is ruined and I am ruined and he gets to be with his family for christmas and I don't. Because he's there.

I don't want to be anything anymore. Everything hurts. I'm going to take a nap and try to forget again when I wake up