to the ones i once loved

i just need to let this out in order to get over it, i think. if any of y’all come across this post, sorry to put it all out there. you deserve to be remembered. recently some of y’all have been on my mind heavily.

Erik - i still hate you for taking my virginity. i wasn’t ready for that & i can’t believe all the manipulation i fell for with you. you humiliated me in front of your family & they had no idea about me at all. twice you did that shit to me. the lies & manipulation weren’t needed. i was too fat for you to date but not too fat for you to fuck? not too fat for you to come spend the night because you were lonely. you deserve what’s happened to you.

Mehdi - we dragged it out for too long. even after i reverted you still didn’t respect me, i’m thankful i didn’t fall for your lies & move to Morocco for you.

Frandy - you didn’t deserve the childhood you had & you truly deserve all the therapy the world has to offer. i pray you’re happy now & doing well. we had some beautiful moments together but i can’t let that override how cruel you were to me. you’re the most superficial and contradicting person i’ve ever met. thank you for the good memories.

Andres - i’m sorry i wasn’t honest with you. the thought of me rejecting you & the way you would feel is what guilted me into dating you. i’m sorry i wasn’t honest. i’m sorry i was toxic to you. i’m sorry things ended the way they did. i pray you’re doing well now.

Rafael - i hate you. every bad thing you’ve encountered since you started dating me was entirely your karma catching up to you. you lied to me for 3 years. i know you’re still a closeted gay & that’s why you treated me so awful but that doesn’t make it okay. please get help.

Kirshi - i’m very very upset with how things ended between us. you didn’t have to ghost me. we should’ve talked things through. i wasn’t ready to admit my feelings for you & i had too many doubts with how “mysterious” you were. i loved the few dates we went on, smoking up with you was so much fun. i’ll never forget our last night together; you showed off your alfa romero again, that date to the stock show was absolutely perfect. we snuck in, smoked in the stables , walked around the stadium hiding from security & exploring the secrete tunnels. when you asked me how do i see us, as friends or someone to smoke up with or what. i thought you wanted me to play hard to get; i swear i regretted my answer once it came out. i’m sorry i hurt you with that, i should’ve told you that i loved spending time with you. i loved how i felt safe & not judged by you. you gave me the most praise when i began to cover & i’ll never forget that. I’m sorry i was too shy to tell you how much i loved you. i pray you’re happy, healthy & doing well now wherever it is that you are. i’ll never forget you.

Karthik - i always liked you. you were the first to show me consistency when i myself was fluctuating too much. in every aspect of life , you were the only one stable. Had we met years before i reverted i know we would’ve had the best love story ever. i always had fun with you when we went out. you always treated me like a princess & i was just too shy to make a move on my end. that night you went to the club with me & my friends ; i was very jealous that you asked me to help you find girls to dance with. i only did it because i wanted to see you happy. trust me, what i really wanted to do was dance with you. on you really. i wanted to give you the best time of your life that night but i was just too scared to make a move. i’m thankful though that you didn’t get that close to me at that time. i was a wreck & i wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself from hurting you due to my past traumas. you appear in my dreams very often. i used to reach out when it would happen but i noticed you not caring to hear from me. it’s been maybe 5 years now & i still see you in my dreams. my favorite date was when we went to the state fair. you were my first date there & i promise ill never forget that day. i pray your marriage is treating you well & that your wife is taking good care of you & your parents.

Julio Enrique - fuck you & your entire lineage. you deserve all the bad coming to you.

Faddy - oh you beautiful boy. despite me lowkey hating you for disrespecting me after i reverted and gave you what you wanted - i do have a soft spot for you. i pray you’re living your truth now. you were the best 3 years of my crazy life. you met me when i was at my worst ( prime for you ) & unfortunately we didn’t meet irl until i was growing apart from you. i did have feelings for you the entire time, i just knew we wouldn’t end up together due to religious beliefs & i’m okay with that. i’ll never forget you , my favorite egyptian prince

Hassan - 😍 i miss u big daddy , we would’ve been TROUBLE together so it’s a good thing we ended things when we did.

Abdelrahman - my first husband. words cannot express how terrible i feel now that things are over but i also can’t express the trauma & damage you caused me. we caused each other & now years later you’re still “in love” with me. where was that when i wanted to fix our marriage? was the green card worth it? i know i’m not entirely innocent in this one, but i won’t let you forget your intentions. twice we tried it. twice i ignored the red flags. twice i believed your beautiful lies. i’m sorry for everything & i pray it gets easier for you.

Ali - both of y’all 😂 i cannot believe the lies y’all tried to feed me. again, didn’t love y’all but the way y’all treated me was just insane.

Khalid - i never loved you , i remember you often because of how rude you were to me. so entitled, arrogant, sexist & just not the type of person who should have such a beautiful name. thank you for giving me the confidence to pray in the mosque alone. i’m very pleased with myself on how i ended things with you & i’m very happy that you saw me not too long after we ended things , after my engagement & after my marriage. in case we haven’t ran into each other again - everything you tried to tell me i wouldn’t have with you because i was “undeserving” i have it all & more now.

Sami - oh my sweet sami. we met at the wrong time Sami. i pray for you everyday, i know there’s still good in you somewhere & i do pray that you get sober. your parents love you so much, we all do we just want you to do better because we know you can.