I am tired of living with myself

tw: mentions of self inflicted injury

I absolutely hate having ADHD, I really do. Everyone talks about the “quirky” side to it but the poor impulse control and disorganisation has almost ended my life. I make irrational decisions and regret them afterwards and I try to take accountability for it but I always do this and I’m a huge fuckup. I genuinely feel awful and I really feel like injuring myself right now. I hate the fact I’ve upset people and annoyed people. I try to apologise but I don’t think it’s good enough. Right now all I want to do is c4t because I feel like I need to in order to give myself back the pain I caused someone else. I did something really stupid and told my friend about it and she doesn’t deserve to listen to my shit. I feel awful, I feel terrible for venting to her as she’s already going through a lot. I feel like a sorry won’t do much though and I just want to c4t so I can punish myself severely enough. I love my friend so much but I do feel like such a crap friend to her and I absolutely hate myself for it. I want to improve but I’m not good at improving. Life was so much easier when I wasn’t clean because I could c4t and feel even in a way. Maybe I should just end this clean streak because I feel awful. It’s completely my fault and I want to take complete accountability. I fucking hate myself.