Kids’ birthdays triggering me

Just wanting to rant and scream into the ether…

My kids’ birthdays trigger me badly. I’m so thankful for my in laws and family friends who remember them in their birthdays. Very thankful, because my side generally forgets them. I’m an only child. My mom will usually remember one but not the other’s birthday. My dad is dead & he was the active grandparent. Mom remembered this one’s this year, thankfully.

My cousins are almost all older by a decade and had kids before me. (One parent is an only child so no cousins there.) Cousins also all have siblings (I’m the only only child) and lives spread across the country. Even when I was in college and grad school (and poor), I always remembered their kids on their birthdays. But all of my cousins forget my kids pretty consistently.

None have remembered kid’s birthday yet. It sucks cause while I am truly happy and grateful that my in laws and family friends are there for them, I also feel so sad no one on my side shows up (metaphorically) for my kids. They forget them when I know they don’t forget their nieces and nephews & when I never forgot their kids. I pray one day I can accept this and not feel like it’s a reflection of me. I feel ashamed my side doesn’t seem to care while my husband’s does. (I’ve even bought presents “from” these cousins before so I wouldn’t be embarrassed when they open gifts with my in laws around that my family forgets them. I hate that l’ve spent money for these gifts to cover up my family sucks. I live in an area with very high levels of nativism and family involvement. People side eye the lack of family on my side. They did that to me as a kid and I don’t want my kids to get that, too, so I’ve “covered” it by buying shit and pretending it’s from people on my side.

It just triggers me so badly. If I were to die, will no one from my family (besides occasionally and inconsistently my mom, who is in her 80s & won’t be around long anyway) ever be in contact with my kids? Will they lose a whole half of their heritage and family/history? If something catastrophic happened and my husband left or something (don’t think this would ever happen) or died or I had some emergency, would I have no one on my side to help me and even worse - to help my kids?

So many days it’s easy to say “Fuck ‘em. My kids are awesome and it’s their loss.” But on the kids’ birthdays, I fight becoming a ball of fight/flight and feel so disregulated, which is awful because I want to be happy and present for my kid on their day. But it’s so hard to fight the triggering feeling that makes me want to lash out like a wounded animal. Ugh.

Thanks for letting me rant. (And anyone screen shooting this to share, I hope you never feel so alone like we do.)