I wrote a passage. I am super confused about whether I have any set of skills when it comes to writing & if I should pursue this field. Would love some honest feedback. Thank you!

For the past few months, I've been stuck in a creative flatline. For context, I have been an illustrator for about 6 years, pouring most of my energy into client work. Somewhere along the way, I lost the desire to design or create for myself, which is ironic because this started off as a hobby I supposedly loved.

I say "supposedly loved" because the thing is, I don't think I ever truly enjoyed drawing. I mean, I don't think I ever liked the actual act or process of the work. You see, with art, because of its visual nature, you can get instant gratification. You can just create something, share it, and post it, and its effect on its retainer will be immediate. The feedback is instant. Even with, let's say, something like your portfolio. An employer who most likely knows how they would like their brand to be perceived visually can just take a quick glance at your portfolio and can easily determine whether you're the right fit or not. That's the nature of illustration; it's swift, it's loud, it's right in front of you. And I think that is what hooked me.

Then, a few days ago, my mother told me something that completely shifted my reality. She said, my first love wasn't art at all. It was my journal. This threw me in a spin because I had made this hobby my entire personality. But looking back further, past the sketchbooks and past the ink-stained hands, I see glimpses of a much younger me carrying a thick black-colored A5 journal. I remember it was completely covered in Barbie stickers. I remember the pages were divided into 2 sections, one for each day. I even have this vivid memory of sitting by the beach with the journal open on my lap, and I was scribbling down something. Because I was so young, the entry was short and simple, "I am on a beach."

I don't have any memories of drawing until much later. It was during my teenage years that I found myself constantly looking for references and exploring ideas. When I first discovered Pinterest, I figured, ok, this is something I can do, and if I put in the effort, it can be a sustainable source of income. So I did. And for years it worked. But now, the machinery feels broken. My mind and heart are completely restless. I'm not sure what will make the gears turn again. The strangest part of all this is a part of me doesn't want it to work.

It's a doable thing that I don't want to do.

It's actually funny how your brain can develop an entire empire based on fragments of memories or something you thought existed, but in reality that was never the case. I will just add, I have no regrets making art, and I probably will never stop, but I will need to find a solid purpose. One that makes the gears turn again.