Dear Jake

Dear Jake,

I miss you so much I can't put it into words. There are so many words, but still not enough. Failure. Catastrophe. Apocalypse. Anguish. Unfair. Cruel. It's all of that, and yet nothing at the same time.

I'm in so much pain I don't know what to do with myself. Every day I think I can't bear all this, and yet somehow I do. For what? Every time I look in the mirror, I'm amazed that I look so normal. So inappropriately healthy. Where are the open wounds I can feel? Where is the blood? Where is the evidence of this pain ruling my life ever since you took yours? My outward appearance no longer matches my inner self. And the world around me doesn't match my world. I'm completely out of balance.

But as bad as everything is, I don't want it to get better. The very thought of "getting better" feels like a betrayal of you. Because nothing ever got better for you. Even though it makes no sense, my only solace lies in the feeling that I can now feel some of the suffering that drove you to your death. It's as if I'm closer to you because of it. We, as fellow sufferers. Completely insane, I know.

Now that I see it, "insanity" is a good word.

Every thought is insanity and every feeling is rage. And hate. I hate this world for what it did to you. For never giving you a chance. I hate other people for their indifference and cold-heartedness towards you. And I hate myself. For my ignorance, my weakness and inaction, and for my naivety. Why couldn't I help you? Why on earth didn't I do more? I love you so much—why still wasn't it enough? Why are you gone and I'm still here? How could it ever have come to this?

Maybe someday I'll find answers to these questions. And maybe someday I'll even learn from my mistakes? Until then, I only know one thing: You're the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I see before I fall asleep. Before I dream of you. You are everything. You are everything to me. You always have been, my little brother.

My soul cries out for you. Can you hear it?

Forever in your debt,

Your sister