My limerence for coworker is finally gone after partial disclosure, therapy, and antidepressants

32M married to 31F.

I had always considered myself relatively happily married and for any unmet emotional needs that might have been there, I kind of filled the vacuum with hobbies, career, friends, etc. - or so it seemed. The lack of closeness and intimacy in my marriage was barely even an afterthought. Then one day at work, there was an intense click between me and a single female coworker from another department. Long deep convos, electricity, butterflies, tension, etc. After a week of this dynamic between us at work, I slipped into an intense state of limerent infatuation, started thinking about her literally 24/7, obsession-level. It affected my appetite, my concentration, my focus at work and at home. It severely degraded my quality of life. I daydreamed and fantasized all day, every day. NC wasn’t an option, because I saw her every day. I yearned for reciprocation more than anything. I knew I had a problem. I was constantly ruminating hard. Couldn’t sleep, could barely function. So I started therapy. Was diagnosed with depression, and the doc prescribed me SSRI antidepressants.

Then things took a weirder turn and I’m not proud. I became convinced that LO felt something. There was more than breadcrumbs. We chatted for hours on end, flirted, and had a lot of “accidental” contact: arms and legs touching, leaning over and pressing our bodies together, stuff like that. She seemed to often seek me out. Then she added me on social media and we started chatting there daily, in addition to spending entire days together at work. Around Thanksgiving, when work slowed down for a few days, I realized we were still talking just as much outside of work. By that point she was usually the one initiating the late-night and weekend conversations, crossing all sorts of boundaries.

I know I should have taken distance. My behavior was immoral on every level. But once this more-than-breadcrumbs reciprocal dynamic became the norm and the antidepressants kicked in, my limerence eased up a little bit. Still I was constantly thinking about her, damaging my well-being, and betraying my wife. Yet the rumination was much less intense and the intrusive thoughts less like a prison.

Contact with then-LO wasn’t overtly sexual. Everything was unspoken, just below the surface. I tried many times implementing an unspoken distance. I stopped messaging and initiating, and reduced my responses. But every time I did this, she closed the gap, became more engaged, initiated more, and I was sucked back in, convincing me even more that she was feeling it too and I entered a loop. But when I matched her energy, she pulled back, and the cycle started again.

At this stage, I’m not even sure if it was real limerence, because the intrusive thoughts were no longer constantly stabbing me in the head and chest. I was a bit more functional, but still far from ok. I was haunted by ambiguity and the push-pull but in my mind it went from “does she like me?” (I was convinced she did) to “what does she want this to become?” And still, even though we had daily and nightly contact, the need for reciprocity plagued me. I was consistently micro analyzing her behavior. “Why did she take so long to answer?” “Is it over?” “Was that a subliminal sexual overture?” “Oh now I’m sure she’s into it!” Though the limerence was blunted because of some significant degree of reciprocity as well as the antidepressants, I was still tortured by ambiguity and guilt. My mood was completely regulated by her behavior, hot or cold.

I decided I needed to take some kind of action rather than being passive, like a plastic bag floating in the wind, pulled this way and that by limerence. I needed an answer. I knew getting full reciprocity would lead me to a whole new set of ambiguities, immoral decisions, and betrayal. But I needed to crush the current ambiguity and was ready to deal with the consequences. So I decided to partially disclose. Not confess, but disclose something. I told her I sensed romantic tension between us and asked how she felt about that. Not surprisingly, it was not reciprocated at all. She told me she does not see me that way. It’s a little hard for me to believe, because it’s an odd suggestion that it’s normal to have daily and nightly contact with a married man who’s clearly into you and not know what’s up, but I accepted it and I did not present her with a catalogue of evidence that argues against what she’s saying.

The ambiguity collapsed. After a year of ambiguous push-pull and the torment of limerence, I got a clean rejection. The fantasy died that day. Interestingly, I wasn’t crushed. Within 24 hours, I could feel the limerence starting to release its stranglehold. The rumination cleared up. The intrusive thoughts went quiet. Now, a month later, I am finally free, and left to evaluate my life and my marriage without the limerence cloud blurring my judgment of everything.

My wife and I have had major issues for a while, but that does not justify my behavior of course. I told my wife vaguely that I had flirted with someone at work and felt something exciting. She doesn’t know the full depth of the story. She wasn’t crushed and she still trusts me, maybe unjustifiably so. We’re working on our fundamental issues (there are many) but I’m not convinced they are solvable. I don’t want to divorce necessarily but I am determined to not live in a marriage with no intimacy forever. This LE exposed these issues and showed me a little slice of what is missing in my life. I know an LE is not a reflection of what love should feel like. But it showed me that I really am missing romantic companionship.

My advice for limerents: Disclosure can in some cases and some circumstance collapse the ambiguity and kill the fantasy, which enables you to turn your attention to your real problems. It makes a fucking mess of course. If NC is possible, it’s probably better. But if not, disclosure has a solid chance of snapping you out of it. It’s risky, because your disclosed feeling might be reciprocated and you’re in a new mess. But rejection has a real chance of smothering the limerence. Highly recommended as a last resort, despite the moral violations and fallout. If you are not in a situation where one or both of you are unavailable, it’s super highly recommended. Be brave and just ask, even if it risks making a mess. Also, in my case (unavailability, ambiguity, betrayal, etc.) therapy and antidepressants were extremely helpful. You can escape this hell. Some escape routes are dangerous and dirty, but freedom is possible.