20M Random rant, don't know what to put in the title

As some of you may know, I did some unspeakable things when I was younger that I regret, and I wanted to use this post to vent about some recent things.

Even though I've been trying to kick that behavior for years, over the past few months (not this one, I haven't been since May) I've been seeing various escorts, spending a lot of money to "have fun," even going so far as to do it with a stranger who asked me out of the blue (I don't even know why I said yes, I'm still wondering).

Speaking of the community situation (I only returned to a server I felt was "safe" for a month, then I was banned), I even recently discovered I'd been included in a document that discussed some "drama" that had happened in the community over the years...though honestly, I don't even know what to make of that.

Aside from those little things (not really), everything's going well at university, and I already mentioned I'd made a few friends anyway.

They're nice, and I've even started to bond with one girl even more than the others (no, nothing romantic), especially since I discovered that some of them are also nerds and metalheads! But, even though I get along pretty well, other times I still feel like I don't belong in their group.

Sometimes I feel like I'm only there with them because they invited me out of pity, or to make up the numbers, or to feel less alone.

Then, in a certain sense, I feel like they don't love me for who I really am, but for a cropped and sanitized copy of me.

Not to mention that sometimes I wouldn't be surprised if they were quite annoyed by my presence, which they perhaps see as childish or, worse, boring.

What really infuriates me is that I can't even ask if they actually feel comfortable with me, because obviously everyone would say yes (both online and in real life, whether they know about my past or not) without even thinking about it, just to avoid me jumping on them and flaying them alive for their "impudence."

I know it may sound self-centered and largely toxic, but I wish people would actually say what they think of me without too many frills, even if it means slapping me in the face (literally or figuratively, it doesn't matter) instead of keeping me close out of fear that I'll explode or because I'm the village idiot.

Another thing that comes to mind (yes, I know I'm going off the rails and it's confusing) is that I can't even tell my friends how I feel about certain things (or at least I think they're friends), because then what would happen? I certainly can't just drop the bombshell, since we usually talk about pretty positive things and I don't want to seem like a downer.

Then various options open up: If I tell them, maybe they'll be disgusted and rightfully distance themselves, but if I don't tell them and then they find out, then I look like someone who wants to infiltrate so he can continue to do as he pleases without anyone telling him because no one knows what I've done.

And that's it.