i really cannot get over what happened to me

i tried to start healing? but i don’t even know what it means to heal now that i think about it. how do i move on from the fact that “some” men ruined me? i want to say that “i will never be the same again,” but it started when i was like 7 years old, who even was i? i definitely didn’t have a sense of identity then. and who am i now? i don’t know. i guess nobody my age really knows who they are yet, but they have an idea i guess, i have no clue.

i tried to get help, but the people who i choose to open up to always end up using me, my tendency to want validation from a certain type of man.. i once opened up to a person who i deeply trusted and they acted indifferently about it which destroyed something in me. it’s gotten to the point where i believe that me “opening up” has absolutely no value, it really doesn’t.

sorry i don’t know where i am going with this, i dont know what to do anymore. i feel so lonely, i don’t have any friends which is definitely my fault as i push literally everyone away but its so overwhelming and i dont believe they’d even care about me, the ones i had before didnt care, nobody ever cares.

they didn’t just “ruin” me, they slaughtered my soul.