seeking out being abused again :(

I was sexually abused when i was younger, at least once a week for years. My stepdad was the one who did it. My mom cheated on my dad with him, when I was a baby, and they got a divorce so that she and my stepdad could be together. Let’s call my stepdad Joe I guess. Joe was in my life, my WHOLE life. Before my parents were divorced, he and my dad were in a band together. He always knew me. My dad warned my mom not to get too close with him, as one time a situation happened at a gig that really unsettled him: the owner of the bar brought all the band members aside and told them that a woman had just accused Joe of trying to rape her, at the gig. He denied it, but my dad said it sounded in character for him and he believed it. He told my mom about this. She knew this. She still cheated, which is besides the point but it really blows me away.

I don’t know when the grooming started, I guess probably from the moment I started seeing him often. I remember the first time he actually did it. I’m autistic and I honestly did not realize it was considered abuse if it’s someone you know. Everyone always only talks about stranger danger. He usually only did anything at night. He was also the parent who would get me ready and take me to school, as my mom worked earlier than him, so he would sometimes abuse me in the morning as well. It was the same thing every time basically.

When I was a little older, he started being bolder and trying to get me to acknowledge what was happening, and to actively engage. It started to scare me, because when I was “asleep”, I had deniability. If i was asleep I didn’t have to deal with it. But he wanted me to be awake and willing, and that’s where I became uncomfortable (I was always uncomfortable, but you know what I mean).

All things considered, the entire situation ended up being handled quite well. I told my mom what was happening, but only after my friend explicitly explained that what was happening to me was rape. My mom was great and immediately kicked him out, they divorced shortly after and we went to court. He went to prison for 7 years, which isn’t long enough but it’s longer than most abusers see, so it’s ok.

By the time I was in college, my feelings of hypersexuality only got stronger. I was in therapy and very open about everything, but I found myself very frustrated as my feelings worsened when they should’ve been getting better :/ I was constantly thinking about my abuse, for better and for worse. I would cry about it and think about it genuinely all the time, but when I wasn’t crying about it, I was fantasizing about it. I thought about reaching out to my abuser in prison to get some closure but I never did.

Then, I got into a relationship with a girl I really liked. We clicked immediately! After dating for a few months, I decided to tell her I’d been abused. I never had trouble telling people about it, I was always very open about the situation. She was nice about it of course. Later down the line she ended up asking me detailed questions, which was relieving because nobody had ever done that before. It felt nice to talk to someone who didn’t seem disgusted in me, or disgusted in the acts that happened. She just listened, and then asked more. It was never in a perverted way or anything, just curiosity and concern.

My girlfriend has always been incredible about it. She knows my triggers, and recognizes when I’m having a hard time. We live together now and she can recognize if I’m having a nightmare based on my breathing, which, she always wakes me up if one starts. She allows me to talk any time I need it. As the 7 years in prison passed, she came to court stuff with me. She’s my everything and I’m so grateful for her.

This brings me to my current dilemma :( I love my girlfriend, and our sex life is very good. We have sex multiple times a week, even after being together for a long time now. She’s very understanding of the effects of abuse, and how being abused can cause you to develop a sexual interest in nonconsensual stuff. She engages in it with me, even, to a degree. Shes great and I’m very satisfied with our sex life.

The problem is that I can’t seem to get off to anything but the idea of being abused. Every time we’ve ever had sex, the only way I’ve ever … gotten there… is by imagining my abuse in detail. It’s the only way I can do it solo, as well. She doesn’t know this, and she won’t ever. It’s something I’m deeply ashamed of. I am in therapy, I’ve not stopped being in therapy since I was younger and I’m now 21. She wouldn’t think badly of me for this, I know that, but it’s just something I don’t think is necessary to share.

Worse yet, I’ve recently been desperately wishing to be raped by someone. It’s terrible, I know. It’s bad enough that I started searching on reddit for people to fulfill this with me. I started setting multiple things up, which to me is cheating. I love my girlfriend and it’s terrible that I ever tried to engage. I never physically did anything, but I did chat with people. A lot of people. They told me what they’d do to me and I loved it. I told them to meet me in a public place to make it happen. I deleted the account only a few days after making it because I felt so guilty (rightly so), and I’ve not done anything again, but the desire is there. This was incredibly recently that this happened. I know if it really happened to me I would be so so so deeply affected in a negative way, it would set me back years. But I can’t help but wish for it. Every time I’m in public alone I wonder if it could happen. I imagine meeting Joe again, and it happening again. I do have OCD, I don’t know if it’s some kind of intrusive thought or if I truly feel that way. It just really really sucks.

I can’t tell anyone that. It just is too bad, It would invalidate everything I went through. I just don’t know what to do about it and I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I don’t cry about my abuse anymore, I don’t even think about it negatively. It doesn’t negatively affect me, except for this. I’m deeply at peace with the situation, except for this. I guess I’d rather feel this way than cry about it or have nightmares all the time, but this also just feels bad and I felt like I needed to tell someone about it