Recent loss of my old girl and now my young boy has something wrong and I’m catastrophizing!

Since we moved to this place in 2020 we have lost five pets. Two were cats who had reached a ripe old age and I could accept. In 2021 we lost my 13 1/2 yo boy while I was in flight coming home. My absence triggered his decline and I suffered great guilt and regret that I was gone and wasn’t there for him.

Then in 2023 I lost my emotional support right-hand dog who wasn’t yet five - a tragic loss with many forks in the road leading us to that fateful day. So many regrets that I hadn’t taken the alternative forks that would have steered us away from his death. I suffered a very long depression and wished I was dead, didn’t want to live and be with the grief.

In 2024 my dad died. I was supposed to travel to see my parents three weeks later at Thanksgiving but he didn’t make it, had a sudden crisis and I didn’t make it there. There’s tons of guilt and regret there because I allowed my job to keep me from visiting my parents sooner.

In April my old girl, who had been super healthy all her life, became ill with what was thought to be autoimmune hemolytic anemia. I think it was misdiagnosed. I work for a vet who had been her vet but she was not very committed in my dog’s treatment and I was stuck at work- again, forks in the road leading to her death where I wish I had taken other turns - she died alone before I could get the at home euthanasia vet there and I hate myself for the suffering she went through. That was three weeks ago and I keep seeing her body in my mind as I found her and beg for her forgiveness. She had just turned 13 and I thought for sure she would make it to 15 or more.

And now my 4 year old has a cough after he sniffed up a foxtail the day before my girl died. He quit sneezing shortly after he sniffed it up and was fine for several days afterwards but then coughed for a couple of days like he had kennel cough. It stopped soon after but then would crop up once in awhile.

Today he is the vet for a sedated investigation and I was freaking out with anticipatory grief that he has lung cancer or something dire that he’d need expensive surgery for putting me back in the situation where I lost my soulmate dog. This boy was the balm for my soul who helped me climb out of the deep hell hole of grief. I can’t lose him.

I feel literally damaged by all the loss, PTSD with anhedonia. I don’t feel like I can take any more. My boy has got to be ok.

Anyone else here suffering from repetitive and traumatic losses that make you beg to go back in time for a do-over, to change the trajectory? I have just had too many traumatic losses!