Being Bi almost seems like a curse

Im a midwestern mom and happily married to a pastor. I feel like I’m trapped in this secret for the last few years without any outlet. If my community knew, I’m sure my husband would divorce me. I’m still attracted to him, but the more I try to not think about women, the more I do, and the less I want him. He’s such an incredible man, I would never want to leave him, but I’m living a lie too. I have this secret account here, a secret iPad for this account and where I can look at women. Life is so difficult sometimes..😔