how do i ask for help when i don’t know what will help me?

i (31F) have had a long history of talking to mental health specialists. my diagnosis’ have ranged from depression to adhd to bipolar to bpd to auhd to cptsd and back around again.
i’m not going to get into all the details and variant timeline trauma points of my life, but what i will say, is that i have complete anhedadonia. nothing excites me, few things bring me comfort. i struggle to find meaning in anything.
i’m 2 years sober off crystal meth and antipsychotics, but i’ve endured multiple life-altering situations in that time frame, either at the hands of those closest to me, or completely on my own.
and i thought that when the worst was over, i would be happy, bc the pain and fear over my head would b gone. but i was wrong.
i tried dbt therapy briefly… but… i have no interest in a bunch of silly skills that i am not even emotionally regulated enough to utilize, much less sustain a practice with.
i have so much shame and abandonment and betrayal and loss that go so far back into childhood, that i am too consumed by the constant weight of the grief, to fathom the hope in the concepts they were trying to teach me.
i have literally no one in my life i can count on or be honest with about my current state, and things are getting more difficult. i no longer trust anyone; not to care, not to show up, not to help me, or even to want to. i don’t believe i am loveable, and that is all i have ever wanted to be since i was a very young girl.
without being too cliche, i genuinely think a large part of the issue for me is people congratulate and/or commend you for your ability to suffer through insurmountable atrocities. “you should be so proud of yourself” “it wasn’t your fault” “you’re so strong” “you’ve been through much worse than this” “have you tried _____ skill for that feeling?” “be nicer to yourself” “you can do it” “you got this”. but i haven’t gone through my life out of sheer power of will, it does not feel like a triumph.
i may have survived, but i have certainly not been spared.
i know i need to go back to park center, and complete another intake; but i can’t stand the thought of going back to dbt therapy, or even just talk therapy. i don’t want to tell another specialist everything i have ever been through that still hurts me, for them to look at me with pity in their eyes, and tell me how hard they know that is, and recommend whatever psychosomatic skill is next on the checklist that they’re so certain i’m capable of being fixed by.

i don’t know what other options there are, or even if there are any, or what they’re success rates are like.
i’ve been seeing specialists since i was 8 years old; i am so burnt out with “getting help” doing the opposite and making me think i must be inherently defective, bc numbing/fattening meds and being given performative pity followed up by a sheet of coping skills (take a deep breath, go for a walk, take a bath, color, ect) that really are just things to distract me from how pathetic i feel and how unfortunate my life has been.
i’m scared of what my mental state could progress into if i willingly sign up for another dose of treatment that inevitably leaves me feeling incurable, and therefore inevitably worse.

all this cliche doom and gloom to say; how do i ask for the help i need? what kind of treatment or therapy or medication or program is there for this kind of brain damage i have? what should i say to the intake therapist to clearly address that i need someone with a skill or plan that can actually fix whatever continues to be wrong with me, and not just listen to me whine about what i can’t change?