I have something to tell you. A confession. I've been holding onto this. And I'd like to get it go. You're welcome to read it, if you'll take the time..

I've been drifting from this place. I'm not really sure it's for me. Whether I don't belong here, or whether here doesn't belong in me, I'm not sure.

I used to, obviously. I had a lot of tender feelings and weird ways of expressing them. Especially as a new account at the time, it's rare to post anywhere and get accepted with 0 karma and a 0 day age account.

I first posted in r/sillyboysclub, as this account marked my journey with my masculinity, the way I've been feeling about being trans or ex-trans, whatever I am.

I used a photo of an anime person who, to me, looked a mixture of masculine and feminine, to the point they didn't seem to exclusively present a certain way. The sub has a "photos are mandatory and must be relevant" rule. Given what my post was about, my recent gender ambiguity, I felt it was relevant.

The mods didn't. Because, presumably, I didn't plaster it with "AM I A BOY A GIRL GUYS?!" text over it.

Okay, maybe that's my ego talking.

But I came here. I'm obsessive, often in love, often hyperfocus, often delusional. Seemed like the place for me.

And you guys welcomed me, thanks for that. If any of you are still here from back then.

I've changed though, and grown. Like we all do. My mindset is different, I can let go now. I don't really feel. Things just are.. and so am I. How I see myself inside, my feelings are my interpretation of my experience, that's kinda.. ego based. Kinda.. how I see the world. How I choose to react. 

Yeah... it's so much easier to say "I don't care"

For a while I got a reputation for writing a dark poetry. Darker than usual, I guess. I tend to have a way of expressing myself that feels like a story, and that usually... can be mixed with colourful language. Good for some, but never for the masses.

I knew that. Quantity was never the objective. The whole superficial numbers game confirmation bias that social media is. Yes number go up yay. Number go down boo. But number is number. Person is person. Life is not phone.

And no shade on anyone, alright? It's not for me, that's cool.

My first clue was a poem I wrote, about being objectified as an "obsessive love" person, or.. the subject of obsession. In my opinion, possession is treating a person like someone or something to own. I felt discomfort with that. So I expressed it, I expressed it in a way I wanted to. My darker poetry, a mockery of obsession, of that entitled voice that convinces you it's okay to treat people like that.

Yeah.. it didn't land well. Like walking into a steak house and saying how much I hate meat. Sure, the split of upvotes and downvotes was nearly 50/50 on the dot, some people got it. And maybe some others did and didn't like it. But I imagine the majority of them thought "How dare you make fun of me." or something along those lines.

I think there's a rule in this sub to not treat our obsessions like objects, but equally to respect differing opinions. So, I was a little shocked when it got taken down.

Prior to this, and since, most of my posts have at least 1 downvote on them, even private ones on my profile. It's not conclusive but, it's enough to suspect I've made enemies, and I have in the past. Doesn't bother me, it was kinda expected even.

So, I didn't have a lot to say for a month or so. Why would I? I stopped feeling, and I started to dislike being treated that way. Like a big no to internal and external obsession. Go figure.

But.. after about a month. After seeing a lot of objectifying posts on here, I felt inspired. After all, I had my own experience being objectified.. maybe I could tell my own story, my own poetry on objectifying someone else. 

And, if I'm clever, pull it off whilst simultaneously mocking the possession itself. "You're mine" whilst also saying "I can't own your person". And if I'm lucky, I could even pull it off.

The words started flowing, as they often do. I picked a good photo, thought of an ironic misleading title, and hit post. 

It got an upvote. It got a downvote. And then it got removed. Why? For objectifying the target of obsession.

Huh. So that landed flat.

So alright, recent experiences haven't been great. From feeling somewhat targeted, having my experiences and expressions being rejected both in a community and its moderation, in both sides of the perspective, challenging being treated like an object, challenging treating someone like an object.

The rules I had broken apparently were that it seemed like roleplay, and that I had objectified the subject of obsession. 

Mods get final vote, I get that. Not sure if I can even discuss this publicly. That said, I did follow the rules. The rules, at the time, didn't express that.

I'm not saying it's unfair. I'm saying that's just another reason that whatever this sub/community is meant to be, I clearly am not getting. And to me, seems like a reason to not be here.

No issues with discomfort, but man I hoped to make friends.

My final point is probably gonna upset some people. Sorry for that, but man a lot of people here are really struggling. Like there's degrees of obsession, imo ig. And often people are.. seemingly self neglecting and.. seriously harming themselves unconsciously or otherwise over.. even the fantasy of a person, or a real one.

I have been there, like I'm not "above" or below that, I did all that shit myself. Probably still do.

But man, I am not there anymore. Not even close. If anything I'm more like a loner gymbro with breasts now, and a girl who is my world.

Makes it hard to connect with people when we are so far apart.

Which is again, just another reason that this place isn't for me.

There's nothing wrong with that, I wanna preface that. Or afterface at this fucking length. But seriously, it's my problem. I struggle to fit in anywhere. I tend to have this natural ability to piss people off, I think I enjoy it even. Which sucks because I also want to help, and I know that I kinda can't.

So yeah uh.. I mean this isn't a goodbye or anything dramatic. Just.. had to get these thoughts out somewhere. Hopefully this is even accepted in this community, even if it's just a discussion around my purpose here. Or vent 🤷‍♂️

If you read all this, you're crazy. In a nice way.. or well like.. mixture of the two. Whatever you wanna be, that's what you are. Uh.. yeah sorry if I made anyone mad.

That's my piece. So yeah peace... out.

Not Sure I Belong