Am I wrong for wanting to attend my estranged grandfather’s funeral?

I could really use some perspective because I feel like I can’t tell what’s normal anymore.

My mom cut off her entire side of the family when I was a teenager. I know she has her reasons, and I know my grandfather did things that hurt her. I wasn’t there and I don’t doubt that her experiences were real.

What I’m struggling with is that the estrangement became ours too. My siblings and I were expected to have no contact with anyone on that side of the family. It was never presented as a choice. The message has always been that if we ever had contact with them, we’d be betraying her and being disloyal.

My grandfather died recently.

When I mentioned that I was thinking about going to the funeral to pay my respects, everything blew up. She asked why I would even want to go, then sent me multiple messages saying it would be “like a knife through my heart,” that she needs her children to stand by her because we’re “all she has,” and that she’d be devastated if I went.

The thing is, I don’t actually want to reconnect with that side of the family. I don’t have some secret relationship with them. I just feel like I want to acknowledge that my grandfather has died and pay my respects. I can hold two thoughts at once: that he may have caused my mom a lot of pain, and that he was still my grandfather and I’m allowed to have my own feelings about his death.

What made it even harder was that she told one of my siblings that I’d said I wanted to go. They basically replied that we’re all adults and that if I wanted to attend, that was my decision. My mom then said they clearly didn’t care and that saying it wasn’t a big deal was dismissing a victim of abuse. It feels like if anyone doesn’t completely agree with her, they’re automatically uncaring or against her.

I feel incredibly guilty for even wanting something different. I keep questioning whether wanting to attend a funeral is genuinely disloyal, or whether I’ve been conditioned to believe that any independent decision is a betrayal.

Has anyone else grown up with a parent who expected you to inherit their family estrangement? Is it common for parents with BPD traits to expect their children to cut off people on their behalf and see any deviation as choosing the “enemy”?

I’m an adult, and I still feel like I’m responsible for managing her emotions. I genuinely don’t know if I’m being insensitive or if this is just another example of emotional enmeshment.