Why am I so avoidant, when he is everything I have ever wanted?

Quick summary at the bottom :)

I (18F) recently started getting closer with one of my best guy friends (18M) – for context, we have been in the same class the last two years, but only recently did the dynamic shift from being solely platonic to being something "more". Furthermore is it relevant to mention that I have never been in a relationship, nor have I ever kissed/cuddled etc with anybody prior to now. I have always immediately pulled away as soon as someone showed interest in me, because I always ended up feeling sickly claustrophobic and got the ick.

He broke up with his girlfriend of one year in february and I started to view him differently around march this year – It is important to mention that he is totally different from when we first met two years ago (he wore big glasses, worn-out clothes and seemed generally awkward and immature...but I mean, we were 16, so he's not to blame). Now he changed his style, started using contact lenses and goes religiously to the gym – in other words, he would be considered objectively attractive now.

I will start by mentioning the things that attracts me, because he really has so many great qualities that are rare to be found in a guy these days:

- As i mentioned, he has become very physically attractive, so the physical/sexual attraction is definitely there.

- He's so academically smart and great at everything, he pursues. He's immaculate at explaining things and helping others without making them feel unintelligent.

- He's very attentive and great at taking initiative (texts first etc. – I absolutely despise texting, so I often wait for everybody else to text first. Bad habit, but that's another conversation)

- He is generally so sweet to everybody and I feel so safe around him. He is not the type to ever lie, manipulate, cheat etc. Very loyal.

- We are compatible on so many aspects, both big things like political aspects and plans for the future, and smaller things like hobbies and what we "like" (e.g. we looked at houses for sale and we liked the exact same ones)

- His family members are absolutely to die for, and I could really see myself in that dynamic looking forward.

I have been to his house two times, and we have hugged and cuddled and just enjoyed each others presence (not kissed, but the next time I see him, I could definitely see that happening– I have just been dragging it, because I feel like that's the first "real" step towards a romantic relation, and as long as it hasn't happened, I can still back out). Both times I really enjoyed it and felt literal tingles and euphoria in my body. It is clear, that he is interested in me as well, and again, in person I am just head-over-heels for him.

The problem occurs, when I'm at home with my thoughts. I can go from one moment, where I just crave his attention and want to be with him, and the next moment I feel utterly repulsed and want to run far away and never contact him again. I genuinly don't know why I get this feeling sometimes, and I feel so betrayed by my body. As mentioned before, I have never gotten this "far" in a romantic relation, so for me to hang on this long is so unusual. I briefly considered just pursuing him with the goal of keeping it casual, but I despise it, when someone else makes a comment on how good he looks etc. I catch myself checking his snapscore and getting easily jealous, so I just know that i wouldn't be able to handle getting attached to him without us being exclusive.

The icks I get from him are so irrelevant and I feel like such a bad person when getting them. It's solely small things like if he accidentally takes a screenshot on snapchat and writes "oops, sorry, didn't mean to", or if he sways his hips when walking down a steep track. Sometimes it's even just if he texts me how my day has been (and I know it's just to keep the conversation going, but still). Or if he sings along in a higher pitch voice to any song.

He only really has one true "downside", which is that he has Asperger's. But I have spent so much time researching and learning about it lately, and I just don't recognize a lot of the typical "symptoms" in him. His eyes often flick/wander when we talk, and he often doesn't get it, if I use irony – but again, my mom never understands my irony either, and she is totally neurotypical. He can be a bit socially awkward around people, he doesn't know, but so can I, and he's so laid back and confident as soon as he gets to know the person, so I doubt it has something to do with the Aspergers.

I am so confused if I should just push through in the moments, where I want to pull away, or if I should back out before hurting my own- and his feelings? He's everything I have ever wanted in a guy, when I go through my imaginary checklist, so why do I feel this way?

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SUMMARY: I am in the early stage of a potential relationship with a guy that on paper checks all my boxes, and I really enjoy being in his presence. I do though sometimes get a rush of ick and repulsion and just want to run far away, and I dont know why this happens, because I really like him??