Marriage falling apart

My wife and I both came from enmeshed families, I had been dealing with mine on my own and basically protecting her from them until I completely cut them off 6 years ago.

Her family is much more covert in their abuse and manipulation, and have a bunch of money so it makes it easier to hide and convince the kids they're looking out for them.

My wife spiraled out of control over the last couple years, and I basically felt I could do nothing but watch. I've tried to point out what was wrong, but you can't make a horse drink and all that.

She's now at least named it, and called it abuse and enmeshment, but still has the "idk if it was all bad" thing going. I'm completely unsure of how to deal with this, because the hope she has hurts me a lot. Her mother is a vile human being, and her father is just a plain narcissist with money who makes everybody feel that they can't speak up because "you'll be out of the will."

I'm just wondering how I can have any kind of healthy conversation about this. She has no problem calling my family abusive, but almost seems to refuse to do the same for hers. I don't want to get into all the specifics, but on a family trip my wife broke her arm and her mother was mad at her for messing up the lunch plans! I took her to the ER while my inlaws watched our kids, and they made us feel like WE did something wrong.

The guilt tripping and manipulation really gets nasty, and I can see it plain as day, but she believes they aren't all bad. I'm just looking for advice on how to help her while maintaining my own sense of self and some sort of boundaries. She's "cut contact" but she works for her father, and continues to text with her mom even though she says she doesn't. It legit feels like she just CAN'T STOP.

Any advice from those of you who have been through this? We have kids, I love this woman dearly, and I don't want to split, but damn idk if I can take much more of this delusion.