How did your husband deal with the loss?

Hi, we lost our baby girl at 33 weeks, 2 weeks ago, due to a placental abruption. The last two weeks have been a blur, but we were lucky to have out of state family fly in to support us these last two weeks since we don’t have any other support around us. We have a 2.5 yo toddler as well, who is just a handful, and they helped looked after him since I’m recovering from a c-section and my husband is also dealing with the grief.

I know it’s very early, but I know my husband and his coping skills aren’t very good. The first week or so he was very loving and supportive of me but now that it’s settled in more, it’s not great. He has communicated to me he is in a lot of pain (of course) and at first he did cry quite a bit, but now he’s getting to the withdraw/anger stage. This is normal how he deals with things and I’m extremely worried about it because this is the hardest thing either of us have ever had to go through.

He wants to withdraw into gaming/tv/or his phone. He also used to be a big gym person but our lives have been busy so he hasn’t in a while but now he wants to get back into the gym. Which you’d think is a good thing, but for him it’s literally all or nothing. He goes back to work in a week, but he’s told me he wants to go to workout classes everyday, twice a day, once in the early morning (so he’ll be gone for before our son wakes up then go straight to work) and then another class right after work so he won’t be home till after 7pm, or 8pm depending on the class.

I’m extremely hurt he’s even talking about this. I just told him last night I was worried about feeling alone after our parents left (they just flew home today) and worried about losing the support. I told him I was worried about getting the support from him because of his tendency to withdraw and be more impatient when he’s upset. I have told him I wanted to spend some more time with him, and prioritize more time as a family so we can be there as good parents for our toddler. I told him I didn’t want to have to ask for his help but needed us to be both active and present parents and partners because that’s what I need right now. Not only physically, because I am still receiving from a major surgery and I shouldn’t be carrying our toddler up and down stairs or bending over to give him baths by myself or dealing with all the kicking screaming tantrums alone. But also emotionally I want to cherish family time more.

But I genuinely believe everything I’ve said goes right over his head. And I don’t know why. He says “I’m going through it too” as if that’s his excuse. I understand that, but that’s not a reason to not be there for your wife and living child, right? I’m going through the grief as well and recovering physically but I still am trying to be a good mom and partner to him even when I sometimes just wanna hide from everyone. And I do sometimes, but only for a little while and then come right back and sit and play with my son and sit with him while he eats and remain calm when he has tantrums and I ask my husband hes doing and try to talk to him or offer him little things here and there.

Can anyone else relate? Should this be something I give him more grace for given the situation or is it not okay? What should my expectations be from my husband as far as supporting me when he’s personally struggling as well?

I made us an appointment with a therapist next week. I’m hoping it’ll help, both with the grief and how to deal with it together. But I’m thinking he may need his own and I may need my own therapy as well. I just don’t know if he will be able to go to many appointments since he will have no more PTO after this week.