cradle orthodox who is half in/half out

I just wanted to make a solidarity post for those of us who are cradle Orthodox Christians who are half in the church half out. I grew up in a really devout GOARCH metropolis and family, two of my uncles are priests (including one who is the head priest of the metropolis' cathedral eep). I make what I jokingly call "quarterly appearances" to church, got married in the church, even baptized my baby in the church, but I haven't been a true believer since college and I had a massive crisis of faith after years of struggle. I think it's important to note that I'm half Greek, half Black, and that the majority of overt racism I've experienced in my life came from those in the Church who did not agree with my mother's choice to have a family with an exeni Black man who refused to convert to Orthodoxy.

It's extremely difficult to have one foot in and one foot out, but because of devotion to family, particularly my elderly Greek grandmother, I don't feel comfortable totally renouncing the faith and leaving. There's also the political aspect of being the blood relative of an important priest and the only one of my siblings who still makes appearances at church. The amount of guilt tripping I get for showing up as little as I do can be really overwhelming when I'm trying to support my family in other ways - for example, I went to my cousin's baby shower (her father is the priest mentioned above) and essentially spent the entire time being shamed for not coming to church or church-related activities like our young married's group. Everyone constantly looks down on me with a weird mix of pity and intimidation because it's likely clear that I'm no longer a true believer but trying to be respectful of my family and their beliefs without completely blowing things up. No one has bothered to directly confront me because I come just enough to keep them off my back but I know how people talk in our church in particular. Given all this, I'm almost certain that my yiayia's funeral service will be the last Orthodox service I willingly attend.

It's unfortunate, but I never felt fully welcomed or at home in the church because of my mixed race. I tried to overcompensate by becoming super Orthodox (and so in this way I totally relate to converts and orthobros) by learning as much as I could about the faith and being extremely active in it - I did oratorical festivals, went to Crossroad, attended church camps and basketball tournaments, and faithfully went to weekday services and choir practices with my yiayia. It all unfortuantely resulted in me going to deep and finding many of the inconsistencies and issues that are pointed out here everyday. It doesn't help that I identify as queer and know many queer folks (including priests...) who have been seriously mistreated by the church as well. Part of what really broke my faith in particular was being unable to fully participate in the ways I wanted to as a woman. I couldn't understand, from a very young age, why I couldn't become a priest or deacon myself and had to settle with just being married to one.

At the risk of this becoming way too long and rambly, I just wanted to vent and offer a space for those of us who can't fully leave for one reason or another. It's very hard to be in the in between, especially while watching the church develop a long an ever more radicialized, conservative, and isolated (IMO) trajectory due to converts and political factors across the world. My cousins are all homeschooling the kids they are constantly pumping out as stay at home moms, while I'm judged for being a working mother who shows up to church once every few months to make yiayia happy. It's shit and it's frustrating. If you're in a similar situation to me, I see you and I understand!