Im completely ambarrassed

Lately my anger has been building up inaide me. Im embarrassed how I react to things and I hate myself and my actions.

So I've had a bad relationship with my dad and its built anger inside me more and more and its been built up for 11 years. I have terrible abandonment issues. My dad would up and leave to another province for months and rhen it started to become years. I was stuck with a huge house by myself and having to start pay thw mortgage that I xould barely afford. My dad had a girlfriend who bullied and harassed me and he rhen moved her next door to me while he would go to the other province. She qas 4 years older than me. I waa ao angry at him for choosing her and hwr kids she had at 14 and lived off of mt dad's money. And drugs. He became the person who wasn't even my dad. Total stranger. I was never able to talk to him about it because he has rage. He will snap in a second. Ive had fights with him and I cant control my anger because hes given me so much and all I got qas gaslight saying im a bitch and I just dont like anybody.

Last week I finally got the courage to talk to him about it and surprisingly he was actually caring about me. I didnt think he had that in him. I know deep down he has a big heart hes just a man who wants to be as manly as possible lol. Hes my big fat idiot.

This part I'm ashamed of. My best friend of 23 years, my sister. My family. I moved back home 3 years ago and thats where my best friend lived. I was so happy, I finally got to be with the people who were my day ones. December 2024 we decided to have a sleepover for Christmas and we had a talk about life and if it doesnt go our way she was THINKING (I out this in all caps because she wasn't just thinking) of going to Saskatchewan to be with her sister's and i was like yessss because thats what j did. I moves to the falls to be with my dad and also start a new life. I came back home because I had enough abuse and I wanted to be with my mom. My one and only.

So in March, I receive a notification that I was out in a group on insta called "best friends (name is not gonna be used lol) going away party" and I was like..... hold up what??????? But I entered it snd it was a shrek themed party and we all had to figure out who we were gonna dress as. Ive never met her other friends before so I was excited and wanted to have fun so I dressed as the ugly step sister lol but it confused me because best friend didnt say she actually qas so I was like kind of sad you know. We finally got close as adults and im happy for her and we need new environments to grow. Im gonna be her biggest supporter no matter what.

I got on fortnite with her a little bit after the group chat and was like where are you going?? :o and she says im moving to Saskatchewan remember I told you this and im like... girl. You saod you were thinking. But I wasn't making a scene about it. She needs this. I was just so sad because like I just wish I had heard from her first and then get put in the group. Best friend knows my whole life and knows that my dad has really effected me in abandonment. Not saying shes selfish but it just hurt that thats the way I found out. During fortnite I was crying but didnt want her to know. After, I definitely bawled my eyes out.

I was nervous and excited about the party but it was so fun.

Now its been a little over a year and the whole time she left she had been ghosting me. I sent texts and I was met with silence. Months on end aoni gave up. Ahe wouldnt answer texts but she was making stories and liking my posts and commenting on it but I don't really see social media as a good way of communication. I like genuine hey miss you texts. She did send a few of those but then she disappeared. It made me so frustrated but I never said anything because I didnt wanna br rude or start an argument.

She suddenly texts me and saya hey im coming to Ontario for a quick visit and maybe qe should get together for like 2 hours. I wanted to so badly but I didnt because I was already filled with depression and anger towards being ghosted and its been really hard to hold back years and it wouldnt feel the same. She said she could only do 8 am to 10 am. She also told me the trip coming here wasn't a "true trip" but she was a bridesmaid for her childhood best friend, and had fishing trips with her other friends and other adventures and I saw it all on Instagram and I was like, how come I only fot 2 hours like a scheduled appointment and they got adventures. It made me a little bit angrier. I messaged her and told her about how i was hurt and she didnt respond for a few days. But posted stories. I messaged her and said you gotta give me some type of response girl. I wanna talk to you but youre ghosting and posting stuff on social media.

She said, t me collect my thoughts im busy right now. And the day after she sends me a message saying how im feeling is insane and she has no idea why im upset about any of it. She said im not the only one whos being ghosted and we all have adult lives and we cant always focus on everything. Adulting is hard but friendships shouldn't be. I kind of exploded and said how i qaa frustrated the whole time and i kins of blocked hwr number but I didnt take her off of socials.

I was at work when I sent the message snd mt anger took over me and I took a pen and went into the bathroom and jabbed my leg a few times and I dont know why. My anger makes me wanna scream and go nuts but ive always had to hide my feelings.

I told my mom today because theres a huge bruise and I totally regret it. It should've been hidden and qe both agreed im reallt going back to therapy. I dont know what's wrong with me.