Im permanently losing my vision and i haven’t told anyone because I have lost all will to live

I’m 20 (M) and I found out last year that I was at a risk of having glaucoma due to having a higher than usual internal eye pressure. It was my childhood dream to become a pilot and after overcoming one hurdle of being colourblind, I got to know another gut wrenching thing about myself which stood between me and my dream of becoming a pilot.

I’ve been in depression since 5th grade from
constantly moving due to my dad’s job. The more I moved, the more harder it became to make new friends and constantly switching schools. Ever since I was a kid I fought for normalcy, peace and stability in life. I thought once I finish school, I’ll finally be able to do something I would love doing and not constantly looking forward to weekends or the school ending. By my senior year of high school, I had decided that I wanted to become a pilot because it’s what I wanted to do ever since I was a kid, but never took it seriously until now. Finished high school and started preparing for my pilot journey only to find out I’m colourblind. And even though it mild deficiency, it was enough for me to fail it. I emailed and talked with multiple regulators and aviation doctors to get myself certified and finally got my FAA first class medical, but unfortunately not for my own country due to stricter regulations.

Since then I had gone down a massive spiral where I got extremely demotivated to do anything in life really. Every day felt like a burden and difficult to even get out of bed. And among all of this my girlfriend of almost 3 years suddenly abandoned me with no contact for a month leading me down another spiral of instability. And whilst I was still trying to figure out what had even happened with my romantic relationship, my uncle suddenly got sick and passed away in just 2 days. It hit even harder because he was the only one in my entire family who verbally supported my dreams of becoming a pilot and supporting me in general.

Shortly after my uncle passed I started noticing defects in my vision which I thought might just be dirt so I cleaned my eyes, but to no avail. I looked up my symptoms and turns out it’s glaucoma. With everything that happened in such a short period of time, from losing my dream, my significant other and an extremely close family member, it had triggered my glaucoma. I was crying like I’ve never cried before in my life, nightmares every single night, randomly waking up through out the night due to the nightmares and struggling to sleep for months had triggered my glaucoma.

And since then I’ve just been dragging myself through life for the past half a year and I feel like the end is near. I’ve been suicidal since the past 6 years and even told myself that I would end it all if I never become a pilot because I was tired of not doing something I like in life. I still delayed it by quite some time, years I would say, and I feel like time has finally came. I no longer have any will or desire to live. I’ve been looking forward to Doing something I liked ever since I was a kid, fighting to find normalcy and stability in life, instead all I got was chaos and more problems with myself. I’m sorry to everyone I’ve done wrong, but each passing day feels harder and harder. I simply just want to let go.