Floundering and frustrated

I’m (56F) having a really difficult time, and so is my husband (62M). Married 25 years, no kids. He had a long, stressful career which ended ten years ago when he was fired and we both agreed the stress of another job in that field was going to kill him. Since then, I’ve been the main breadwinner and I’ve done very well; I’m a leader in my company, but at this age, I’m both worried about being replaced, as well as hoping I can retire within 7 years.

We’re on a path to do that, if we keep discretionary spending limited, maximize savings, and ideally, if my husband’s business starts generating revenue. If it doesn’t start generating revenue, we have some decisions to make.

He persuaded me a few years ago to move to a lower COL state where we could buy a house with a shop large enough for his business. It’s a niche business that he started after leaving his career. He was doing pretty well in our old home, generating steady income every month, but constantly complaining that he could never scale up without a bigger shop. He refused to consider renting shop space for various reasons that were legitimate.

Anyway. We moved cross country and bought this new house, with giant shop attached. We had enough equity from the sale of the old home that we could have bought a house for cash, if not for the shop. The mortgage is much more than I would want to be paying at this stage of our lives. And his business has generated no profit. He’s spent two years just getting the shop set up and he seems adrift. The shop is set up, he has a business plan, he’s doing marketing, but his business depends heavily on people having discretionary income, and in this economy, almost nothing is coming in. He’s spending his days more and more engaged in this as a hobby, not a business.

I told him the other night that I am not working until I’m 80. That I made this move after he wore me down, over a couple of years, persuading me it was the best move to make. That we didn’t take on this mortgage to fund a hobby. And that if his business isn’t making x amount of profit in 3 years, we’re going to need to sell this house and use the equity to buy a smaller house in cash so I can retire.

The current situation is that I am feeling trapped, dragged down, stuck in a decision I didn’t want to make, living in a place I don’t want to spend the rest of my life, and resentful of him, his free time, his lack of contribution to our retirement account for the past 10 years. He loves living here but is growing pessimistic that his business is going to work out. Meanwhile he is focusing on plans to make expensive renovations to this house. I’ve told him we should save that money for retirement. He gets angry and says he’s not going to live in a house he’s not proud of. (?)

We’ve been getting in a lot of fights. He accuses of me of snapping at him, which I admit I do. I am just so frustrated, feeling tied down, and so afraid for our future. I’m meeting with a fiduciary on my own to get a clear picture of where we stand financially; he doesn’t want to go with me.

The sad truth is that if we weren’t married, I could sell and retire in two or three years. He grew up poor and has no sense of money, but insists on being in control of it, because he’s controlling in general. Whenever I get a raise or bonus his focus is on what can we buy, not how can we invest. He’s convinced he won’t live past his 70s because his parents died pretty young, and he doesn’t seem concerned about what will happen to me in my old age.

This is a big hot mess and I don’t even know how to summarize it into a tl;dr. For starters I would like for us to stop arguing with each other over every little thing. But that’s the tip of the iceberg. Other than the usual Reddit advice to divorce, has anyone been in a similar situation and do you have practical tips for how to move forward here? Please be kind, if direct.