I am extremely disgusted with my dad.

Throwaway account.

Just like the title says, I extremely despise and disgusted with my dad. We have really conflicting personalities. He’s an extremely aggressive and dominant person, and I’m also someone who has a short temper, mostly because of the way he treats me. We’re both stubborn, but I refuse to tolerate being constantly looked down on or verbally abused.

He’s the type of person who’s always talking down to people. For the past few years, I barely talk to him. Most of the time I just act like he doesn’t exist. The only times we do talk are usually when he’s yelling at me. Being called “dumb bitch", "motherfucker", "dog", "useless", "idiot", "piece of shit" has basically become an everyday occurrence. It’s been so normalized that I almost expect it whenever he talks to me, which honestly says a lot about what living with him has been like.

He’s also the type to badmouth his own family to complete strangers, calling me lazy, ungrateful, and saying he regrets ever having a child like me. All of that is basically because I don’t want to help out at his store. He thinks I owe him because he paid for my university tuition and puts a roof over my head. I know tuition wasn’t cheap, and honestly, I regret choosing that university so much. If I had known it would be held over my head every single day, I would’ve never gone there. That’s probably one of my biggest regrets. Because my tuition was expensive, he constantly calls me spoiled and says I’ve had it too easy. He acts like I’ve been living some luxurious life when that’s not how I feel at all.

Another thing that has always bothered me is how differently he treats his own siblings compared to his own family. No matter what happens, he’ll always put his sisters before his wife and children. There was even a period when one of his sisters refused to speak to him for years because they had a falling out, yet he was still the one trying to win her back. To this day, he financially supports one of his older sisters every month, even though she’s never really contributed to his business or helped him in any meaningful way. The only time she ever “helped” was for a few days after he had already been giving her money. The irony is that his sisters never seemed to like him, but now that he’s become relatively well-off, they’re suddenly much closer to him again.

He’s also someone who’s constantly looking for fights. Every time we go anywhere, there’s almost always some kind of argument with strangers. Even he always had fights with neighbors. That’s one of the reasons my mom, my brother, and I stopped wanting to go on family vacations with him, he always manages to embarrass everyone.
He also forces my mom to go on trips with him. If she says no, he’ll get incredibly angry and start insulting her. He’s abusive. My mom says, “At least he’s not physically abusive,” but she’s also told me that there were times when he suddenly choked her while she was sleeping or randomly hit her, and whenever he's on his manic episode he throw things at us or hit things. He’s incredibly unpredictable. He can go from completely normal to exploding in anger out of nowhere, especially if anyone talks back to him.

He’s also one of the most judgmental people I’ve ever met. He’ll insult complete strangers just for walking by, calling them ugly or making comments about their appearance. If he sees an attractive woman dating someone he thinks is unattractive, he’ll immediately say things like, “He looks poor. Why would a girl that pretty date him?”

He’s very misogynistic and constantly makes inappropriate comments about women. He’s the type of man whose ego is incredibly easy to feed. If a woman flirted with him or gave him attention, I honestly think he’d fold immediately. I don’t know if he’s ever cheated, but he constantly jokes about cheating and openly comments on other women’s appearances as if it’s completely normal.

The part that disgusts me the most is that he’s a disgusting pervert. I recently found out from my mom that he has a habit of touching female employees at his store inappropriately while claiming he’s “just joking.” He’ll slap their butt, touch or rub their shoulders, and act like it’s harmless. Hearing that honestly made me sick to my stomach.

The thing is, I’m not in a position where I can confront him. I’m genuinely afraid of him. There was a time when he almost killed me. On top of that, I’m still financially dependent on him. I’ve been trying really hard to find a decent job, but I just graduated and don’t have much experience yet. The job market is awful right now. Even if I managed to get a job, I’d probably only make enough to cover my daily expenses, not enough to move out.

If I ever stood up to him, I’m almost certain he’d kick me out of the house. He threatens to do that all the time anyway while constantly insulting me. And honestly, I can’t even describe how disgusted I feel. I genuinely feel uncomfortable just being in the same room as him. Ever since I found out about what he’s been doing, it’s become so much worse. I don’t even want to be around him anymore.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel completely stuck. I know the obvious answer is to move out, but as what i've said that’s not something I can realistically do right now At this point, I feel like all I can do is keep my head down and avoid provoking him until I’m financially stable enough to leave. But every day I stay here, I feel more disgusted, more anxious, and more emotionally drained.

Is there anything I can do besides just waiting until I can afford to leave?