the porch light hasnt been on in a while, nor has the porch been cleaned. i sit out here anyway, watching the sun bleed out at the edge of the sky, that last version of light before dawn takes over, cold, thin, barley holding on to its last strands. the cold wind breeze finding my face like it wants me to feel something. somewhere the neighbors are laughing too loud, a dog wont stop barking, and none of it reaches me. its strange how noise can exist right next to you and still leave you in total silence. only hearing your own thoughts and how noisy your brain is

i always figured that by now, i would have things sorted. a life with edges i recognized. people who stayed. some kind of quiet that wasn't just an absence of things happening, not the quiet that hurts a soul, but the specific quiet of being okay. instead, i have days that get harder to hold, one after another, and no clear picture of where any of it is going. i do not know what i want anymore, not really. not who i want near me, not what i want my hours to look like. 

its always just this static, this overstimulated blur where everything is too much and none of it is enough, just a distorted mind and soul   

i keep trying to enjoy things the way i used to. but seriously nothing hits the same. i talk to people and im always just preparing for the same ending, the same script, the same scenario and feelings all over again, like i have seen this exact scene too many times to believe it will go differently.  

 so i stay quiet instead, hoping it would be safer that way, or atleast thats what i hope for. but quiet turns into distance, and distance turns into this, me sitting outside at dawn, or in my room staring at the ceiling, hollowed out, feeling like i dont belong to a single place or a single person, like im watching my own life from somewhere just slightly outside of it

it seriously sits in the gut, this kind of loneliness. not dramatic. just seriously extremely heavy. like something you carry without anyone noticing the weight of it, just slowly draining you out and too tired to fight it back

ugh, a very overstimulating friday. i feel like im barley holding on