Took reddits advice, better than expected

I(33F) made a post a while ago about a free use living situation I was in at one point and a lot of you decided to try to either shoot your shot or get more stories. Well one person (28M), who I wont name, I talked to a little more and learned they were...maybe exactly what I needed. I've been really depressed and going through a lot, feeling hopeless, and figured "you know what, why not let him use me? What's the worst case I die having fun?" So we met last week. I consented to everything, told him to use me any way he wanted, and he didn't hesitate.

He grabbed me almost immediately and kissed me before forcing me on my knees so he could fuck my throat. Once he was ready, he cuffed me and threw me down. Then he took out a knife, and I'll be honest, feeling the edge dig into my skin scared me..but it felt so good too. I felt him cum in me while cutting my legs before he tossed me to the side like a used rag and reached for my throat. He started choking me hard and before I lost consciousness he held the knife up to my face and told me "I decide if you live or die in this room, don't forget that". I don't know what he did to my unconscious body, I don't think I care. I woke up to him fucking me again and when I woke up he held the knife to my throat and pressed it. It didn't cut..but it felt like he wanted to kill me in that moment...and I would have been fine with that. After he came again he told me how good i was..how good i felt.. I think i started to cry because he hugged me and I didn't expect it. I wanted to be thrown away, not cared about. We fucked more through the night but nothing as intense as the start. I kinda want to see him again, but I don't know if I should yet. Maybe he'll see this, maybe not, we'll see.